


Dangan Dinguses

by Animercom



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Arcade, Boys Being Boys, Comedy, First Dates, Gen, Getting in Trouble, Language, Road Trip, Sexual Humor, beach, boys doing stupid things, causing havoc and mayhem, first date crashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22551493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animercom/pseuds/Animercom
Summary: From crashing first dates to causing rebellions in the arcade to long road trips, Shuichi, Kaito, Kokichi, and Keebo cause mayhem and madness everywhere they go!Ch 1: Crashing Shuichi's first dateCh 2: ArcadeCh 3: Failing at loveCh 4: RoadtripCh 5: Beach
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Iruma Miu/K1-B0, K1-B0 & Momota Kaito, K1-B0 & Oma Kokichi, K1-B0 & Saihara Shuichi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Momota Kaito & Oma Kokichi, Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Yumeno Himiko
Comments: 40
Kudos: 106





	1. Murderous Headless Robots are a Thing

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wanted to do a fic about the boys hanging out, doing stupid things even though I'm a girl. XD Enjoy!

Shuichi slammed open the door. “Kaito!” His eyes darted over the four-bedroom dorm. Kokichi on the couch, flipping through TV channels. Colored coded wall calendar of school events. A wall full of roommate photos. Black marker was smeared over the photos.

Frowning, Shuichi studied the pictures. “What? What is this? You doodled _ducks_ in every picture? Kokichi, why?!”

Kokichi turned his head. Looked at Shuichi dead in the eye. “Why not.” Snickering, Kokichi added, “Hey, at least it’s better than when I gave you and Kaito matching goatees.”

Exhaling in frustration, Shuichi shook his head. “For the love of… I’ll deal with you later.” The detective approached Kaito’s door on the right. Banged his fist on it. “Kaito? Kaito!”

“Chm–” Kaito cleared his throat. “Come in!”

Shuichi entered. Glanced around. Stars and galaxies covered the dark walls. A model solar system acted as ceiling light and fan. Dirty clothes, fast food wrappers, and dumbbells lay on the floor.

“What’s up?” Kaito took a huge bite out of his sloppy joe. The astronaut lay in bed on his side, propped up on an elbow. With greasy fingers he flipped through a textbook.

“Kaede asked me out!”

Kaito gasped, causing him to belch. “That’s– URRP! Oof, sorry. That’s awesome, bro! How’d it go down?”

Shuichi shifted on his feet. “Well, you know, I… Kaede and I just had Geometry, right? Afterwards, I told Kaede that we should hang out sometime.”

Kaito sucked the meat off his fingers. “How many times have you told her that by now?”

“T-that doesn’t matter! Anyway, then Kaede said she’s free this Saturday so we should go out then!”

“That’s great!”

“No, it’s not! I don’t know where to take her. We were supposed to brainstorm ideas but you kept marathoning Star Trek!”

Kaito shrugged. He swung his legs off the bed and sat up. “Dude, just play it cool. Take her to that dessert café on 8th street.”

Crossing his arms, Shuichi looked away. “But I wanted it to be something special…”

“Nah, man. There you’ll both be comfortable and can talk instead of, I dunno. Silently watching a movie. And then at the end of the date, you can ask her out!”

Shuichi’s face flamed. “Y-you mean ask her to be my girl–OW!” Shuichi whirled around, holding the nape of his neck.

Grinning, Kokichi shook out his hand. “Static electricity. Never fails.”

“Get out!”

“Whaaaaa?” Hiccupping, Kokichi wiped at his eyes. “But we’re precious roommates and friends! And yet, here you are kicking me out and keeping secrets.”

Shuichi’s heart seized. “W-what secret? I’m not hiding anything.”

Keebo approached the open doorway. “Are you finally going out with Kaede?”

Kokichi jabbed a thumb at him. “See, even the robot got it.”

“Of course I did! I’m not stupid!”

Sighing, Shuichi pinched the bridge of his nose. “All right, fine. I am. There! But I’m not telling you anything else because you’ll mess it all up!”

“No, I woooon’t–”

Shuichi slammed the door in his face.

* * *

Kokichi flinched. “Wow. Rude. It’s almost like he doesn’t believe me.”

Keebo turned away. “Of course Shuichi doesn’t believe you. You’re a liar–”

“Nee-heehee…!” A grin unnaturally stretched across Kokichi’s face. “It’s time to execute Operation Pants!”

“Pants?”

“Yeah. I thought that would be more appropriate than Operation Balls.”

“Balls?”

Kokichi sighed. “You know what? Never mind. Just come on.”

* * *

Arms outspread, Kokichi spun in a slow circle. “Behold! Operation Pants!”

Hand on his hip, Kaito glanced around the research lab. The gothic era and bar stage settings flanked them. Rolling clothes racks stuffed to the brim. A mess of black photography umbrellas, cameras, and wires.

Kaito scratched his head. “Uh, yeah, there’s a lot of pants here.”

Keebo frowned. “I thought it was Operation Balls.”

“Rrgh! How do you idiots not understand?! Look, just because Kaede and Shuichi are going out somewhere, that doesn’t mean they’re gonna start dating, riiight?” The boys nodded. “In fact, li’l baby Shumai might chicken out ‘bout asking Kaede to be his girl. We can’t let that happen.” Kokichi jabbed a finger at Kaito’s chest. “So we’re going and we need disguises!”

Shaking his head, Kaito waved a hand. “We can’t, Kokichi. Shuichi’s man enough on his own.”

Kokichi crossed his arms. “You really believe that?”

“Of… Well…”

Kokichi raised a brow. Keebo leaned in closer.

“I-it wouldn’t hurt to be nearby. Just in case.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Keebo walked over to a sewing station covered with bolts of fabric and patterns. He picked up a half-finished shirt. “So are we to wear Tsumugi’s spare cosplay outfits?”

Kokichi wagged a finger. “Not so, my beloved bolt brain! The best disguises are dressing up as the complete opposite of who you are.”

Smiling, Keebo places his hands on his hips. “So what is my disguise? I must admit, I’m getting quite the rush of excitement waiting. I’m very curious to see what you have in mind!”

“Oh-ho?” The leader smirked. Grinning, Kokichi picked up a thin makeup brush off a nearby vanity. “Well since you’re a robot, there can only be one real answer.”

“And? And?”

Kokichi painted two peach lines over the robotic black lines running down his face. Tossing the brush on the vanity, Kokichi ordered, “Kaito, get a trench coat.”

Keebo hung his head. “Aw…”

“Hey, just be happy you’re coming at all. You wouldn’t if not for your camera eyes to record it all. ‘Sides, isn’t your life’s dream is being a human or something? Be grateful.”

“O-okay…”

“Anyways it’s my turn!” Kokichi sat down in front of the vanity. “Keebo, get me the ebony black hair dye, a bowl, and some gloves.” The robot complied.

With practiced ease, Kokichi straightened his wavy hair and added extensions. Using Tsumugi’s makeup, Kokichi made his nose look bumpier. Applied foundation to make his face pale.

Kaito whistled. “Man, you know what you’re doing!”

“Indeed,” Keebo agreed. “If not for my sensors, I would not have recognized you.”

“Puh-lease. This is nothing. Me and my organization a while back infiltrated this Cuban street gang. We disguised ourselves as them and hid within the crowd. So when we started shooting, they opened fired at themselves!”

Keebo frowned. “I am fairly certain that would get you killed.”

Kokichi shrugged. With a brush he added heavy purple bags beneath his eyes. “There! All done! Now I’m some loser emo kid.”

Kaito snorted. “You’re already emo.”

“I’m not Shuichi!!”

Huffing, Kokichi relinquished his seat. “Kaito, sit down. You’re next. I’m going to dye your hair blond. We’re doing the total opposite of who we are. So that’s being a gangster for Care Bear Kaito here.”

Kaito flung his fists down. “I am not a Care Bear! And I’m not that far off from being a gangster. Me and the boys back at astronaut training would do stupid crap all the time. Got in loads of trouble. Everybody gangster until you eat space food raw.”

Humming, Kokichi studied his nails. “Yeah and they were all outta college while you were still a high schooler. Meaning you were the annoying tagalong, trying to look cool.”

“Wh-what? No, I wasn’t…”

“Then do your best gangster pose!”

“A-all right, fine!” Kaito shook out his arms. “Okay. Here we go.” Kaito crossed his arms over this chest, flipping the double bird. Tongue hanging out, Kaito head banged. “Thug life!”

“Ahaha!” Kokichi’s smile dropped. “Don’t you ever do that again.”

“I’m sorry.”

* * *

Elbowing Keebo farther in, Kokichi slid in the booth next to the robot. “Scooch in, Keebo! We don’t wanna be seen!”

Kokichi glanced across the café. Shuichi and Kaede sat at a small table for two. Above them globe lights set aglow old family photos. High shelves bordered the café, stocked with assorted knickknacks like a grandma’s house. Customers ate cake off rose painted china.

Kaito sat across from them. His zipper hoodie, muscle shirt, and medallion cemented his gangster image. Kaito craned his head to see the couple. “Dude, they’re like 30 feet away. If we can’t hear them how can we step in if bro needs it?”

“Hold your horses,” huffed Kokichi. He patted the chest pocket of his purple button-up’s, searching. Checked his blazer’s inside pocket. “There we go. Here.” He pulled out three ear com devices. “I planted a bug on Kaede’s purse as we walked in past them.”

The leader put one in his ear. Over the quite murmur of other patrons and dishes clinking, Shuichi spoke. “Have you ever been here before, Kaede? I recommend the lemon tar–”

“Oh yeah, lots of times! With Maki, Himiko, and Tenko. I absolutely love the angel food cake here! You should try it!”

“O-oh. Okay…”

Kokichi cringed.

When a waitress approached, Kaito ordered a fruit punch which Kokichi doubled. Keebo declined. After the drinks arrived, Kokichi reached inside his blazer. Took out a bottle. Poured it into his glass. While Kaito and Keebo were watching Shuichi, Kokichi switched his glass with the astronaut’s cup. “Nee-heehee…” _This is gonna be great!_

After the couple had ordered food, Shuichi murmured, “I can hardly believe it’s dark out already. It’s getting pretty cold at night, too.”

“That’s November for you! Last night I had to break out my heavy wool comforter.” 

Exhaling heavily, Kokichi laid his body across the tabletop. “This is SO BAD. So boring! Talking about literally anything else would be more exciting.”

Keebo asked, “Like what?”

Kokichi and Kaito shared a glance. Kokichi suppressed a laugh.

The astronaut narrowed his eyes. “Come on, really? Why you gotta be like that, huh?”

Eyes wide, Kokichi shrugged. “Well, he asked what else would be exciting and that _is_ so…”

“You’re a douche.”

“If you knew exactly what I was thinking of, then you’re just as dirty, Kaito.”

“A-am not!”

Over the mic, Kaede cried. “Oh, that music that’s playing is Adagio Lamentoso by Tchaikovsky!”

Shuichi replied, “Oh, that sounds nice. Very romantic. And it’s just the two of us here, how about that? Ahaha…!”

Kaede's eyes narrowed. “Uh, no. It’s played at funerals.”

“Ahaha…” Shuichi muttered, “Just kill me now.”

Everyone groaned.

Shaking his head, Kaito sipped his fruit punch. “So what’s the plan? I know you wouldn’t have dragged us out here if you weren’t scheming something.”

Kokichi froze, eyes on Kaito’s cup.

Kaito took another sip. Smack his lips. “Dang, that’s really good.” Kaito downed the whole glass. He slammed it down. Shook his head. Blinked rapidly. “Woo! Who knew fruit punch had so much... punch?” Head thrown back, Kaito laughed, “AHAHAHA!”

Kokichi swallowed. “Oh no.”

Keebo leaned in close. “What have you done?”

Kokichi opened his blazer jacket, showing a bottle in an inside pocket. Hard liquor.

“You have gone too far, Kokichi! Too far!”

“Actually, I only used half the bottle.”

“Liquor is _the_ most intoxicating alcohol in exist–”

“It’s fiiiiine! It’s all for Shuichi, I promise. You’ll see. Just watch this.”

* * *

Stomach full of sweets, Shuichi walked alongside Kaede back to the subway. His face stung from the cold. Across the street, a boy pressed his face to a glowing storefront. Chuckling, his parents tugged him away. Other people strolled down sidewalk, holding hands.

Head bowed, Kaede pressed a hand to her chest. She wore a pink fur lined jacket with matching boots. “That was so much fun. I hope we can do this again sometime.” Kaede smiled, her cheeks cherry red.

“Um, yeah. Me too,” fumbled Shuichi, his breath visible. “Actually, Kaede…” She stopped and turned to him, listening. Face aflame, Shuichi mumbled, “You’re really nice and s-sweet and…”

“Thereiss my boy!”

Shuichi jumped. Whirled around. A broad-shouldered thug with blond hair stumbled towards them. He waved a hand in a lazy greeting. Smiled. “You look great, li’l lady.”

Pale, Kaede shot a glance at Shuichi. Jaw set, Shuichi stepped in front of her. Heart pounding, Shuichi swallowed hard. “Who are you?”

The man straightened. Swayed on his feet. “Why you bein’ so cold to each other? Should more be friendly-like…”

“L-leave us alone,” Shuichi warned, voice cracking.

Laughing, he stumbled close. Raised an arm to put around Shuichi’s shoulders. “Beens watchin’ over you guys for forever and it’s killing me–”

Shuichi shoved him away. “Back off!” Kaede cried out.

Arm pinwheeling, the man stumbled back. Stunned, he blinked rapidly. Chuckled. Touched Shuichi’s cheek with the back of his fingers. His eyes shone with tears. “Mm so proud o’ you, yer growing up–”

Shuichi socked him in the face. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. Lay completely still.

Wide-eyed, Kaede clamped her hands over her mouth.

Shuichi turned to her, eyes blazing. “Are you all right? You’re not hurt or anything?”

“S-Shuichi, why did you…?”

The detective stepped closer. “Because I swear to protect you, Kaede. Because you’re smart and kind and funny. You’re so special to me. And I…” Shuichi sucked in a deep breath. Evenly gazed at Kaede. “I like you. Will you be my girlfriend?”

Tears welled in Kaede’s eyes. “Yes. Yes, of course, you big doofus!” She punched his arm. “I’ve liked you since forever.”

“Kaede…”

“Oh, Shuichi…!”

He hugged the pianist tight. “I’m so sorry I made you wait. You won’t ever have to wait ever again. I swear.”

* * *

“Kaito!” cried Kokichi, leaning out the café’s entrance. “You weak ass! You were supposed to start a full-on street brawl!”

Keebo’s eyes went wide. “He what?”

“Rrgh! I won’t be defeated so easily!” From his blazer Kokichi whipped out a small rectangular device. He slapped it onto Keebo’s head.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

“This is an overriding device I stole and modified from Miu!” Hand on his hip, Kokichi thrust his finger out into the air. “Now go, my transformer! Fight Shuichi! Fight for Kaede’s hand to the death!”

_BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!_

“Kokichi, you shouldn’t add things to my chassis without–”

Keebo’s head exploded. Screaming, café guess stood up and pressed themselves against the wall. After a moment, Keebo’s detached head crashed into the ground. Smoke rose.

Wide-eyed, all the guests stared at Kokichi.

He gave a little wave. Then he snatched the head up and ran. Kokichi slammed past anyone on the street out of the way.

“What are you _doing_?” Keebo’s head cried.

“I’m not going back to jail!”

“What about my body?!”

Kokichi looked behind him.

Keebo’s headless body was barreling towards them, full throttle. “ _ENGAGING PROTOCOL 598: RECLAIM HEAD_.” His hands transformed into whirling drills.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAA! Somebody _help me_!”

“This is _your_ fault!”

“Someone save me! I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die…!”

* * *

“Huh?” Frowning, Shuichi turned back towards the café. “Did you hear that? Sounded like someone was screaming.”

Kaede lightly shoved Shuichi’s shoulder. “You’re just hearing things.” Smiling, she held out her hand. “Now come on. Let’s go home.”

Blushing, Shuichi accepted her hand.

Hand in hand, the two continued along, distant screams echoing in the background. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Ending:
> 
> Shuichi, after punching Kaito: I love you, Kaede.
> 
> Kaede: Oh, Shuichi...! I love you too!
> 
> _Shuichi's imagination sequence ends_
> 
> Kaede: Why did you do that? Why did you _hit_ him? We could have just run away! Detectives are supposed to investigate bodies, not make them! 
> 
> Shuichi (sobs): No, wait, Kaede, don't go!
> 
> Kokichi (running from Keebo, knocks into Shuichi): GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, SHUICHI!
> 
> _Shuichi lies on the ground, still crying_
> 
> Kaito (wakes up, puts arm on Shuichi's shoulder): You'll get 'em next time, bro.
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you enjoyed and there will be way more madness coming up! ^_^


	2. Never Shoot an Officer in the Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out the help of my friend Milkbonez and my brother was indispensable in brainstorming ideas. Without them this fic wouldn't be possible. So thank you!! Enjoy the arcade madness in this one. ;)

Smiling, Shuichi gazed out the car window. Jurassic Joystick Arcade read the sign over the entrance of the shopping center. Someone tapped his shoulder. Shuichi turned to see Kaito offering an open bag of Doritos. “Thanks.” Shuichi reached inside, crinkling the bag.

From the driver seat, Kokichi asked, “Are you eating in my car?!”

Kaito shoved it behind his back, crumpling the bag. “No.”

“In my _precious_ Omobile I won from a last to remove hand contest?”

“I would nev–”

“Would you like to sing a ‘song that never ends’ _FOR TEN HOURS_?!”

“Oh, come on! You got burger wrappers and empty Styrofoam cups everywhere.”

From the passenger seat, Keebo screamed, “Kokichi, watch out!!”

_SCEEEEE!_

Kokichi slammed on the brakes and swerved, narrowly missing an old Volkswagen. The elderly woman shook his head as she drove past. Kokichi scowled. “Get off the road, you walking ventilator! Sheesh.”

Muttering under his breath, Kokichi turned into the shopping center and parked. Everyone climbed out the minivan. The leader jabbed a finger a Kaito. “The next time you eat in my car, I’m putting mayonnaise in your cereal.”

Kaito shuddered. Huffing, Kokichi slammed the car door closed, locked it with a honk, and marched off to the arcade.

As he passed, Kaito handed Shuichi the Dorito bag. “Here. Operation: Discard the evidence.” Shuichi laughed. He poured the bag into his mouth, eating it all, before tossing it in a trash can by the entrance. Keebo held open the door for Kaito and Shuichi.

A tsunami of sound washed over Shuichi as he entered. Kids laughing. Squealing. A barrage of laser sound effects going off. And worse, enough flashing neon lights to give anyone a seizure.

Shuichi inhaled deeply. Breathed in the smell of popcorn and old carpet. Smiled.

Hand shielding his eyes, Kaito scanned the sight before him. Rows of classic arcade machines. Skee-ball game and foosball tables. Even a wall of crane and capsule ball machines stood to the right. “Okay, okay. So, first off, I wanna play House of the De–”

Someone dramatically gasped. “It’s beautiful…”

Bending over, Kokichi pressed his face to the glass prize counter, his butt hanging out in the air. The pregnant-looking 50-year-old man behind the counter didn’t look up from his magazine. He was leaning precariously back in his dinky swivel chair.

Kokichi oohed. “Just look at all this! Look!” Assorted candy. Super soaker water guns and soccer balls. Trinkets like glowsticks, whoopie cushions, and emoji pillows. “My entire evil organization could run on this for three years!”

Frowning, Keebo pressed a hand his chest. He wore a black Japanese school uniform and cap to hide his robotic identity. “They certainly look like junk to me…”

“Endless entertainment! Food! Even fricken’ _Rock ‘Em_ Sock ‘Em Robots!”

Shuichi slid his hands into his pants pockets and shrugged. He wore a simple band t-shirt. “They’re all just things you play with for 10 minutes and forget about…”

Kaito crossed his arms over his red hoodie. “Yeah, quit it. You’re being creepy.”

Kokichi whipped around, his eyes wide. “Wha…? No, I’m cute!”

“You’re a Mussolini gremlin rat boy; how are you not creepy?”

“Wha–? I–! Rrgh!” Face red, Kokichi flung down his fists. “I’m gonna win everything, and then I’m not sharing anything with you guys! You’ll see! We only have a limited time and we gotta make the best of it.”

Keebo asked, “You mean limited time at the arcade?”

A deep voice cut in. “No, of our youth.”

Everyone jumped. Behind Kokichi stood Rantaro dressed in a tie-dye shirt and crystal pedant necklace. He raised a hand. “Hey there.”

Hands clasped, Kokichi smiled up at him. “See, I’d knew you’d understand me, nii-chan…!”

Hand behind his head, Rantaro laughed. “Well, it’s just what I’d expect from my little sisters.” Kokichi’s face fell.

Keebo stepped back. “W-where did you come from?”

Shuichi raised a hand. “How did you get here?!”

Kaito scratched his head. “Dude, weren’t you off in South America or something?”

“Ahaha…” Rantaro scratched his cheek. “Yeah, everyone thinks I’m somewhere else… So no one… ever invites me out…” He cleared his throat. Set his hands on his hips. “Anyway! What are we waiting for? These games won’t play themselves.”

Chatting and slapping each other’s backs, Kaito, Shuichi, and Keebo headed further inside. Scowling, Kokichi stuffed a bunch of flyers and brochures from the counter into his cargo shorts pockets and raced after them.

In a corner to the left, Kaito spied a House of the Dead 2 arcade machine. “Awl yeah! They do have it!” He raced off, weaving through clumps of kids.

Shuichi looked off to the right at some crane machines. A pink teddy bear was splayed against the glass, large eyes imploring. “Kaede would love that!” He headed over.

Keebo walked further in. “I always wanted to try one of those racecar simulators…”

“Now, now, kids,” chided Rantaro. “Don’t wander too far.”

Kokichi grinned at Rantaro. “I’m gonna beat you at Tekken!”

“Haha, let’s see about that.”

An obscene amount of yen coins later, Shuichi wandered through the arcade, pink teddy bear in his arms. For winning the bear, he had earned a few blue tickets which could be traded for prizes from the counter. Shuichi sidestepped a snotty kid running past. The detective approached Kokichi and Rantaro who were playing a fighting game.

Rantaro’s character, the good looking Lee Chaolan, roundhouse kicked Kokichi’s avatar – a boxing dinosaur named Alex. The adventurer smirked. “What was that about beating me?

Kokichi furiously mashed buttons. “I won’t let you…!”

Grunts and battle cries sounded from the game. Kokichi unleashed several punches to the gut, a knee to the face, and a laser blast from his hands. Rantaro’s character went flying. Kokichi grinned. “Aha! Not much more now…!”

Rantaro glanced up. Saw DDR machines just beyond the Tekkan machine. “Ooh, Dance Dance Revolution!” He strolled over.

“Wha–? Hey! We’re in the middle of a match!”

But Rantaro was already booting up the DDR. Grumbling, Kokichi stamped over. Shuichi, bear still in hand, trailed behind.

Before the DDR machine were two squares on the floor which had four directional arrows a piece, each pointing in the cardinal directions. In the two-player game, each person took a square. A curved pipe which rose to waist height stood behind both squares. To play DDR, players had to stomp their feet on the arrows to the music’s beat.

Shuichi glanced at Kokichi. “Want to play a round?”

Kokichi’s lip curled. “I’m not a 5-year-old girl.”

Rantaro hit the machine’s buttons, chose a song with a difficulty of 15 stars of 20, and grabbed the curved armrest behind him. Leaning on the armrest, Rantaro jumped around like a mad man hitting all 8 arrows across both pads.

Lips parted, Shuichi and Kokichi stared.

Sweat sparkling, Rantaro smiled over a shoulder. “And this is without my 10-pound ankle weights, aha…!”

Shuichi and Kokichi blinked. Shuichi turned to the leader. “So you wanna go see what Kaito’s doing?”

“Yeah, sure.”

They walked away.

Around them, kids shouted at each other from across the arcade. Buzzers sounded off. Neon lights flashed like a rave. Shuichi had to avoid the crumbs and gum piles on the floor. They found Kaito playing House of the Dead 2 at the end of a row of arcade machines and next to basketball hoops.

Kaito glanced over his shoulder. “Shuichi!” he cried. “Bro, my sidekick! My soulbro! My life’s companion–”

“What do you want from me,” sighed Shuichi.

“I need you, man! I keep dying. I can’t get past the boss in the underground parking garage! You see, ever since I was five years old, I’ve been coming to this arcade to try to beat this thing. My grandpa told me–”

Kokichi raised a brow. “We just learned of this arcade yesterday.”

“W-well whatever! It’s important to me so help a bro out, will ya?”

Exhaling, Shuichi set his pink bear on the ground by the machine. Picked up the 2nd player blue gun. Zombies, all in their 1990s polygonal glory, attacked them. Kaito and Shuichi rained bullets down on them. Green blood spilled. Oftentimes zombies would lose their heads or limbs as they died. Some remained standing even after losing all of their upper torso.

Shuichi grimaced. “Gross.”

Laughing, Kaito aimed his red plastic gun. “Nah, it’s great!”

After beating the second level, they advanced to water stage. Shuichi gasped. “We get to ride on a motorboat?”

“Hell yeah, man! And fight water dragons in the sewers!”

Jaw set, Shuichi mowed down zombie wave after zombie wave. Neither spoke for a solid five minutes. Kaito cried, “All right, this is the underground parking boss I always die it.”

“Not while I’m here. He’s going down!”

“Yes, keep it up. We’re doing it!”

The giant machine crumpled to ground. “Whooo!” Cheering, the boys high fived with both hands.

Shuichi gasped, “Wait, there’s another boss!”

“Oh shit!”

After nearly dying, they progressed to the next stage – climbing through an opulent CEO skyscraper. Sweat beading down, Kaito clenched his jaw. “Oh man, I’ve never even seen this level before. We just got to through this building and get to the top, right?”

“Look, there’s an elevator!”

Upon reaching the roof, they faced off the final boss: a translucent blue man. The Emperor, the lord of nature. Shuichi and Kaito emptied bullet after bullet into him.

Teeth gritted, Kaito shouted, “Not much more now! Only a third of his HP left. Rrgh, just stay alive…!”

Kokichi smacked Kaito’s ass. Pulled down Shuichi’s pants.

Kaito jumped. “Hey!”

“Game Over” flashed onscreen.

“NOOOO!” Kaito wailed.

Blinking, Shuichi looked down at himself. He snapped his head to Kokichi. “We’re in _PUBLIC_!”

Blushing, Kokichi covered his mouth with a hand. “Oh, Shuichi… I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“What’s all this commotion?” asked Rantaro, walking over. Shuichi hurriedly pulled up his pants.

“Oh, nii-chan, it was horrible!” Tears streaming down his face, Kokichi hid behind Rantaro. “Those two totes ignored me when I said I wanted to play with them.”

Rantaro crossed his arms. “Now, Kaito, that’s not very fair. I expected better of you.”

Kaito jabbed a finger at Kokichi. “Why do you believe him?!”

The adventurer continued, “And Shuichi…”

Kokichi leaned out from behind Rantaro, snapping pictures. “I’ll text this pic of you winning that teddy bear to Kaede if you don’t behave.”

Shuichi gasped. “That’s supposed to be a surprise!”

Kaito violently threw the gun at the machine. “You are _such_ a little shit! I’ve had enough of you!” Kaito shoved Rantaro aside. Reeled back a fist. “I’m gonna bash your face in to Timbuktu–!”

Kokichi ducked Kaito’s punch. “Oooh, so scary!” Laughing, he darted off. He shoved Keebo’s shoulder in passing. “Come on, Kee-boy, we gotta run!”

Blinking, the robot looked up from his racecar game. “Huh? What?”

“Just come on! I actually need you for once.”

Shaking his head, Keebo left the game and followed.

* * *

The leader and robot headed towards the back. Arcade machines boasted classics like Pac-man and Frogger. The area was mostly empty, aside from a handful of teenagers trying foosball and air hockey.

As they walked, Kokichi held up a finger. “‘Kay, so I will consider breaking my ‘Humans Only’ rule and let you temporarily join my organization. As an honorary member. Stationed out in Sri Lanka, where you’ll mostly be filing paperwork–”

“What do you want, Kokichi.”

“To win everything from the prize counter of course! And to do that I need hundreds – No. Thousands of tickets! And you’re gonna earn them for me.”

“And just how is this possible?”

Gasping, Kokichi clutched his chest. “Wow, Keebo.” He stopped walking and placed his hands on Keebo’s shoulders. “You’re a robot with special, amazing abilities! You should really believe in yourself more.”

“You… you really think I can do it?”

“Of course I do! We’re besties, aren’t we?”

Smiling, Keebo set his hands on his hips. “Understood! What is our first objective?”

Kokichi pointed to a rusty Whack-a-Mole in the corner. “There!”

Keebo raised a brow. “Surely there are more lucrative games to try?”

“Sure, but this is the easiest. All you gotta do is bend down and have your arms cover all the holes.”

“And you need a robot because…?”

“Because my back would hurt bending over for that long.”

“I… I am at a loss for words.” Shaking his head, Keebo started the game. The moles rose, bumped into Keebo’s arms, and retreated into their holes. The digital score numbers rose like crazy.

Beaming, Kokichi clapped his hands. “I can’t believe this is actually working!”

Gears groaned and grinded. Kokichi and Keebo exchanged a glance. Keebo leapt back. The moles tried to rise but couldn’t. Their large, terrified eyes peered over the holes’ rim. Keebo looked at Kokichi. “D-did I break it?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you weigh 2,000 pounds.”

“Don’t add an extra zero!”

“Welp, off to the next one, I guess.” Tapping his foot, Kokichi glanced around at the other old machines. “Hey, look, a trivia game! I could beat this in my sleep.” The boxy, off-white machine had an excessively large screen, like a relic from the 1930s. The mascot, a young boy in a pinstripe shirt, bowtie, and suspenders, stood behind a podium. “On second thought, this would probably take a lot more time to earn tick–”

“What’s it called?”

“Uh, Tricky Trivia with Travis 2.”

Jaw set, Keebo approached the machine. “Allow me.” Brow raised, Kokichi stepped aside. Blocky letters like an old computer bootup program appeared onscreen, typing out the first question. “Which French playwright wrote the play ‘The Lark’?” Keebo selected answer choice A. Wrong. For questions two and three, Keebo also chose A. Both incorrect.

“Hey, what gives?” Kokichi scowled. “If you don’t know what you’re doing, stop wasting my time. We hafta earn those–”

The game only typed out the first three letters of question four before Keebo chose D. Correct.

“W-what?”

Keebo explained, “The questions are not random. They follow one out of 14,738 possible patterns. Through searching the internet, I have discovered a cheat sheet and memorized all possible orders of the questions and the answer choices.”

Keebo mashed buttons like mad. Correct, correct, correct.

Inhaling, Kokichi cupped his face with both hands. Drool leaked out of mouth. _The tickets… The tickets!_ “Nee-heeheeheehee…!”

A child tugged on Kokichi’s shirt. “Hey, mister?”

“Beat it, brat. We’re about to make arcade history with our winnings.”

“But that game’s so old it doesn’t print out tickets.”

“YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Kokichi smashed the game with an electrohammer, busting the machine open. Sparks flew ceiling high. The game sizzled out.

Eyes wide, Keebo stared. “Y-you shouldn’t break games…”

Kokichi’s head jerked over in turning to look at him like a broken doll. “I saved everyone the trouble of playing it.”

Keebo and the boy shrank back. Trembling, the boy latched onto Keebo’s leg. “W-where did he get that hammer–?”

“Huh? Where’d this runt come from? Go drink mommy’s milk and get lost.”

The boy tugged at the hem of his Star Wars shirt. “My name’s Touya. And there’s this bully, Nijito, who’s been playing Space Galaxy X and not letting anyone else play. Could you get him to go away?”

Kokichi crossed his arms. “I’m an evil supreme leader, kid. I don’t do charity. What’s in it for me?”

Touya held out a string of five tickets. “You can… have me and all of my friends’ tickets?”

Kokichi snatched the tickets up, then vigorously shook his hand. “You got yourself a deal!”

* * *

Kokichi and Keebo followed Touya to a close by section of old arcade games. A handful of 7-8-year-olds hung back some ways from the Space Galaxy machine. A young boy approached a bigger middle schooler playing it. “Um, Nijito? Can I play a round? Even half a round? Then you can play the rest. Please, this is my favorite game.”

“Mine too, shortcake,” a raspy voice answered. The husky kid must have needed an inhaler. “Fine, I’ll let you play.”

“Really?”

Nijito took the boy’s money, shoved him to the ground, and inserted the coins into the machine. “Thanks for the donation for a good cause. Hyukyukyuk!”

Narrowing his eyes, Kokichi studied the bully. He wore a hoodie which read, “Liable to Make Poop Jokes at any Time”. His oversized sweatpants hung down, showing his butt crack.

Kokichi walked up behind him. “Hey, shitstain! Where’s your diaper?”

Gasping, Nijito whirled around, arms splayed against the machine. His sagging fat cheeks quivered. Arms crossed, Kokichi tapped a finger on his upper arm. “Move it, Ginger Gopher. I don’t have all day.”

“N-no! This game’s mine! I am the king of Jurassic Joystick.”

“Aw, how adorable! Now let me show you how insignificant you are.” Kokichi pushed him against the adjacent arcade machine and handcuffed him to it. “You may be king…” Kokichi booted up Space Galaxy X. “But I am _supreme_ dictator! Now watch as I beat your high score before your very eyes!”

Gasping, the kids smiled. “Wow!”

Red-faced, Nijito wheezed, “No, don’t you dare!”

“Why do you have handcuffs on you?!” exclaimed Keebo.

“Watch and learn, kiddies!” Kokichi expertly maneuvered his spacecraft to dodge the flying space aliens’ bullets. Oohing and ahhing, the kids crowded around Kokichi.

After a minute, Keebo spoke up. “You know, I could play.”

“You’re a worthless trash dump who breaks everything you touch.”

“W-well, that’s… I can’t deny–Wait, you broke the last game!!” 

A girl pointed. “Hey, look at nii-chan’s score!” At the top of the screen was Nijito’s 4563 high score. Kokichi was at 4807. “He beat Nijito, he beat Nijito!” The kids jumped up and down.

Sniveling, Nijito turned away, hiding his tears.

Kokichi grinned. “Ahaha! Eat shit, Gas Ass!” Despite the bullet hell madness akin to Touhou games, Kokichi achieved a high score of 10,382 points before dying.

“Nee-heehee…” laughed Kokichi as he turned around. Leaning against the machine, Kokichi crossed his arms. Tilted his head to the side. “Well, kiddies? Where’s my prize? Cough up your tickets.”

Touya turned to the others. “Come on guys, give him everything you have. Every ticket you got. Don’t hold out on him.”

Every kid dug through their pockets.

Grinning, Kokichi rubbed his hands together. _Oh man, just think of all the prizes I’m gonna win. Nerf guns! Twister! A lifetime supply of Oreos!_

Kokichi held out his hands. One child put two tickets. Another gave four. A girl put down a single ticket. The rest followed suit. A grand total of 10 tickets.

“Eh? D-don’t you kids come here all the time?”

“Uh huh,” they answered.

“After school and on weekends and on your stupid elementary school dates?”

“Yeah.”

“ _So why don’t you have any more tickets?!_ ”

Touya shrugged. “Because we’re no good at them.”

Kokichi gazed evenly at the boy. A child coughed.

“RAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

“Kokichi, no!” Keebo threaded his arms beneath Kokichi’s armpits and held up his arms, pinning Kokichi. “You can’t harm children!”

“Watch me! Ngh!” Arms failing, Kokichi struggled against Keebo’s hold. “Rrrgh! How am I supposed to win everything at the prize counter now?!”

Gasping, Touya’s eyes went huge. “You’re gonna win everything at the prize counter?”

The kids turned to each other, murmuring.

“He’s gonna win everything at the prize counter.”

“Wow, really?”

“He did beat Nijito. He could do it!”

“I always wanted the giant pony!”

All the children herded around Kokichi. Even other kids playing nearby games were drawn over. Like an army of the green alien toys from Toy Story, they all looked up at Kokichi.

Kokichi went, “Uh…”

Keebo frowned. “I’m sorry, but Kokichi can’t possibly–”

“No, Keebo.” Kokichi’s grin stretched unnaturally across his face. “I totes can!”

* * *

Kokichi stood atop the glass prize counter, throwing prizes to a crowd of children. “You get a toy! And you get a toy!” Kokichi threw M&Ms up in the air like confetti. “We all get toys!”

The kids cheered.

“What the hell is going on here?!” The arcade caretaker lumbered over, squinting through his owlish bifocals. His dark green polo barely covered his sagging gut. “You broke into my–? Get down from there this instant!”

Pulling down an eyelid, Kokichi stuck out his tongue. He turned around and waved his hand by his butt. “Make me, toilet tail!”

“Huh?” Toilet paper trailed from the owner’s beige pants. Red-faced, he ripped the toilet paper out. The children erupted into laughter. 

Keebo ran onto the scene with Shuichi, Kaito, and Rantaro not far behind. “See, I _told_ you guys! He lockpicked his way into the prize counter!”

Kaito placed a hand on his hip. “I am equally impressed and concerned.”

Rantaro stepped forward, hands in the air. “Kokichi? Kokichi, no. We’ve talked about this before. Get down from there.”

Kokichi stomped his foot. “No! These lying adults are making a living stealing money from kids with their rigged games! Robbing them of their hard-earned weekly allowances.”

Frowning, Shuichi half-heartedly tossed a hand in the air. “You can just buy these toys at Dollar Tree.”

“Not all of these kids can afford that. Check your privilege!”

Rantaro pressed a hand to his chest. “Why are you trying to do, Kokichi? I don’t understand. So why don’t you come down and we can talk this out?”

“Talk? Talk?! I’m through with talking.” Arms to the side, Kokichi raised his voice. “Is it wrong to give toys to kids? Wrong to question the system? Well, I say no more! Everything belongs to everyone.” Kokichi raised a nerf gun in the air. “We’re overthrowing the government and establishing a communist anarchy!!”

Kids pumped their fists in the air. “ANARCHY!”

Rantaro held his chin. “Huh. That actually sounds kinda nice.”

Kaito stepped back. “Are you insane?!”

“Yes, there’s this kid here. He broke into prize counter and stole all the prizes, destroyed two of my arcade game machines, and handcuffed another kid to a machine and left him there.”

Kokichi thrust a finger. “Hey, he deserved it!”

The owner continued speaking into his phone. “Yes, officer, he’s right out front atop prize counter with a bunch of kids. He’s armed and dangerous. Arrest him.”

Wide-eyed, Shuichi glanced at Kaito. “Arrest him? You mean–”

The doors burst open. A woman and a man holding guns kicked down the door. “POLICE! Put down your weapons!”

“Eat lead!” Double wielding, Kokichi machine-gun fired nerf bullets in their faces.

“Gah!”

Kokichi jumped off the counter. Scattering, he and the kids took off running in every direction. “You’ll never take us aliiiive!”

* * *

At the police station, Shuichi stood before a glass screen wall. Kaito, Keebo, and Rantaro stood in a line beside him. On the other side of the screen an officer brought out Kokichi, hands cuffed behind his back. The cop asked, “Do any of you know him?”

Shuichi shook his head. “Nope.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Never seen him before in my life.”

Rantaro gazed up at the officer. “He’s a criminal, sir. You should keep him locked up for a very long time.”

“TRAITORS!” screamed Kokichi, lunging at the glass. The officer held him back. Struggling, the officer led him back out the door. “Don’t act like you’re innocent! I’ll get you back for this! I swear! I sweeeeaaaaar!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Deleted Gag: 
> 
> _Shuichi spies Kokichi spitting out gum and sticking it on the coin slot part of arcade machine._
> 
> Shuichi: What are you doing?! Why would you do that? That's _disgusting_!
> 
> Kokichi: Well now no one can earn more tickets than me and win the best prizes!
> 
> Shuichi: Wait, you what?
> 
> _Shuichi looks around. Sees gum on every machine they walked past._
> 
> _Shuichi's eyes flash red._
> 
> Thanks for reading!! Next chapter has epic fails regarding their love lives...! ^_^


	3. Vending Machines are Sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the boys to epically fail at love! That said, there’s going to be some sexual humor along with Miu making her first presence and all her lovely language and images that comes with her. XD Nothing worse than already in game though. Big thanks to Milk for brainstorming with me and my brother for elevating this chapter to the next level. Enjoy!

Shuichi entered the classroom building and approached his shoe locker. Walls of cubbies held clean shoes fit for indoor use. Around him ultimates chatted. Lockers banged. Hefting backpacks, students headed deeper inside. Shuichi breathed in the smell of shoe leather. He opened his locker.

On his shoes was an envelope.

Frowning, Shuichi opened it. He read it.

> My dearest Shuichi,
> 
> I know writing a letter like this is weird, but I was too shy to tell you face to face. The other day I glanced over at you during gym class in your undershirt and shorts and it reminded me of something. This is a super embarrassing but when I was a kid, I always imagined having a prince that would sweep me off my feet. And knowing you have the strength to do that makes me really happy.
> 
> Your sweetheart, Kaede.

Shuichi rocked back on his heels. Glanced around – no Kaede. Smiling, Shuichi tucked the letter in his backpack and headed towards class.

* * *

Shuichi sat at his desk in the back corner of the classroom, next to the window. Drumming his fingers on his desk, he scanned the room. Yawning, classmates held muted conversations. Dropped bookbags to the ground. Miu and Himiko slept on their desks. Kaede, back towards Shuichi, wrote something in her notebook. Only a few minutes left before the bell.

 _All right, now’s my chance._ Voice raised, Shuichi asked, “Is it hot in here?” He unbuttoned his pinstripe outer wear, revealing a thin muscle shirt. Rolled his neck and shoulders. _Or is it just me?_ he thought, grinning.

Everyone turned to look. Frowned. Returned to their conversations. Kaede furrowed her brows. Met Shuichi’s eyes. Kaede flashed a smile before turning around.

Shuichi’s face burned. “Ahaha…” Looking away, Shuichi crossed his arms over his chest, hiding his undress.

A chair scraped back. “Here, bro!” Kaito stood over Shuichi offering his purple galaxy coat. He laid it over Shuichi’s shoulders. “Hey, you look cool! Like a real hero.”

Shuichi’s eyes stung. _Thanks, Kaito._

Kaito winked.

* * *

Sighing, Shuichi shucked off his backpack before the shoe lockers. Kicked off his shoes. Opened his cubby. A second letter awaited within.

> To my Shuichi,
> 
> Whenever I’m playing the piano or composing, I always think about you. But I wonder what kind of song would you compose for me? If you write me a song, I’ll put it to music, and then we will sing it to our children! Sounds good?
> 
> Forever yours, Kaede

After reading, Shuichi hurriedly stuffed the letter in a folder before jogging off to class. He smiled the whole way there.

* * *

Heart pounding, Shuichi stood amidst a busy hallway. He stood on his tip toes, looking for blond hair. _There!_ “Kaede!” She turned around.

One hand to his chest, the other reaching out to her, Shuichi got down on a knee. Voice warbling, he sang, “Your cheeks, red as roses! Your hair, yellow like w-wheat and your eyes…”

Kaede glanced around at the other ultimates, as if trying to confirm Shuichi was singing to her.

“Y-your eyes, uh, purple like grape flavored gum…”

Kaede shifted on her feet. “Um, could you stop?”

Shuichi’s arm dropped. A student coughed.

Kaede half turned away. Raised a hand. “Uh, I got to go to class now? Bye.” She turned and walked away. Shooting him dirty glances, ultimates gave Shuichi a wide berth. Shuichi’s hung his head.

“It’s okay, bro!” Kaito walked up behind Shuichi and ruffled his hair. “Back in high school I wrote embarrassing song lyrics too.”

“W-whatever.” Shuichi covered his face with his hands. _If only I had my hat…_

The bell echoed in the empty hall. 

* * *

Eyes closed, Shuichi rested his forehead against his shoe locker. He exhaled. Fumbled with the cubby door. A letter.

> I want you, Shuichi. Only you. You entire.

Shuichi blinked. Rubbed his eyes. Read it again.

The letter fell from his hands.

* * *

“I can’t believe I forgot my lab coat and goggles for science lab… Geez.” Shaking her head, Kaede opened her full-length locker.

Arm overhead, Shuichi had crammed himself inside the locker, rose in his teeth. He wagged his eyebrows.

Kaede slammed the locker closed. She stomped off.

Witnessing the exchange, Kaito walked over and opened the locker. Kaito squeezed himself inside with Shuichi. “Hey. This is what you wanted, right?”

Scowling, Shuichi shoved himself outside and slammed it closed. Kaito rattled the shut locker. “Hey, don’t leave me here! Do these things auto lock? Hey. Hey!”

* * *

Kaito sat at his dorm’s kitchen table, sipping some coffee. A few feet away, Kokichi lounged across the couch, book in hand. Keebo cleaned the kitchen counter behind Kaito. Outside birds chirped.

“Kaito!” Shuichi burst out of his bedroom. He slapped an envelope down on the table. “I can’t take this anymore! You gotta help me!”

“No.”

“W-what?”

“I’m not helping you anymore. It’s embarrassing.”

“How do you think I feel?!”

Kokichi flipped a page in his book. “Like you got nooo shame.”

“You shut up!”

Sighing, Kaito set down his coffee. Scratched his head. “Look, man. Anything you do for her now is just gonna make matters worse. You need to back off.”

Keebo stacked dishes on the counter. He glanced over his shoulder. “We’ve had enough excitement already.”

Shuichi plopped into a chair and slid down, groaning. “Ugh…”

Kaito pushed his empty plate of eggs away. “Why are you doing all this anyway? You’re already dating.”

Kokichi craned his head over the couch’s back. “Unlike someone we knooow!”

“Shove it, rat face!” Kaito pushed out his chair. Held up a fist. “I’m gonna get a girl real soon! Just you watch. I just… I just don’t understand why I’m having such trouble. Girls were all over me back in high school.”

Shuichi raised a brow. “You are in high school.”

“Back in high school, babes couldn’t get enough of me, Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!” Kaito banged a fist on the table. “But here I can’t get girls to notice me. So, so, so! I was thinking I gotta do something, like, _huge_. Like getting a blimp with a banner that reads ‘you know you like me’ or setting off fireworks in the shape of my face!”

Kokichi perked up. “I got a bungee cord. Wanna jump off a cliff?”

“Kokichi, no!” cried Keebo.

Huffing, Shuichi crossed his arms. “What are you talking about Kaito? You already a girl who likes you.”

“I _do_?”

Shuichi, Kokichi, and Keebo chorused, “Maki!”

Kaito blinked. Leaned back against the chair. “Huh. Maki? Yeah. Yeah! Yeah, I DO like Maki!!”

Groaning, Shuichi dropped his head on the table. Kokichi threw his book in the air. Keebo shook his head.

Standing up, Kaito waved his arm in a “come on” gesture. “Well, let’s get going then! I gotta go confess!”

* * *

Shuichi glanced around. “What are we doing here?”

Kaito threw out his arms to the side. “Just look at where we are.” The four roommates stood behind the dormitory building. Behind them lay the blue track field and Gundham’s breeding shed. Kaito sucked in a deep breath. The wind carried the faint smell of nearby dumpsters. “All love confessions happen behind the school buildings!”

Brow raised, Keebo crossed his arms. He leaned against the cream stucco wall. “And why are we here?”

“Because you’ll all take turns pretending to be Maki.” Hand on chin, Kaito grinned. The sun shone off his teeth. “I wanna practice all my _very_ best techniques.”

“Gross,” Kokichi called. He put his arms behind his head. “Buuut this actually sounds not so boring! Who doesn’t want a good laugh?” Kaito glared.

Sighing, Keebo pushed himself off the wall. “Very well. I shall go first. Go ahead.”

Chin held high and shoulders back, Kaito strode towards Keebo like a king walking down a red carpet. Kaito gazed evenly at Keebo. “Maki… I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Be mine.”

“Do you want to die?”

Kaito froze, as if slapped.

Keebo held up his hands. “Was that too much? Using predictive analytics, I computed what Maki would most likely say in this situation.”

Kaito buried his face in his hands. “That is what she would say, isn’t it?!”

“Tch, nuh uh!” tsked Kokichi. “Kee-boy’s got it all wrong. Here, I’ll be next. Do me.” Kokichi stepped forward. Eyes narrowed like Maki, Kokichi tossed his hair. “What do you want?”

“To be yours. I love you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Fuck _you_!”

“Please don’t.”

Shuichi burst out laughing, bending over and holding his stomach. Tears pricked his eyes. Beside him, Keebo rolled his eyes.

Kaito ground his teeth. “Rrgh, Shuichi, get over here! I’ll show you guys just how manly I am.”

Waving a hand, Kokichi walked to the sidelines. “Oooh, okay sure. You do that.”

Shuichi wiped his eyes. “All right, I’ll try–Whoa!”

Kaito fisted the front of Shuichi’s uniform and threw him into the dormitory wall. Kaito pressed a hand by Shuichi’s head. Stood over Shuichi. “I can’t hold it in anymore. I gotta let it go. It’s full to bursting.”

Shuichi’s face flamed. “K-Kaito…?”

The astronaut leaned in. His eyes smoldered. “I’d do anything for you. You’re my moon, my stars, my world. Nothing would make me happier…” Kaito raised the back of his hand by Shuichi’s cheek. Kaito lowered his hand, his hand falling near Shuichi’s body. “…than getting to know every bit of you. Let me give you my love. It’s throbbing so har–”

“Hey there, fuckfaces!”

Kaito jumped back five feet. Everyone snapped their heads to see Miu running up to them, blueprints in hand. “Oh, fuck me. There you are, Keebs! I’ve been sweating my tits off running across campus for you. What were you do–?” Miu glanced at the stiff Kaito and Shuichi standing at attention like soldiers. “What are you creeps up to now?”

“N-nothing!” they chorused.

“Whatever. My precious time isn’t worth wasting on you.” Miu marched up to Keebo, pushed Kokichi aside with a “Move it, shota”, and shoved the blueprints into Keebo. “Here. Get an eyeful of this! My newest invention!”

Keebo studied the design. “You’re… You’re going to make my head a _disco ball_?!”

“Fuck yeah I am! Last party we had you were sitting alone in the corner like some virgin. Now you can be the life of the party! Hyah-hahaha!” Waving, Miu walked off. “I’m not finished prepping yet so swing by my lab later. See ya, virgins!”

Snickering, Kokichi gazed at Keebo, hand over his mouth. Exhaling, Keebo closed his eyes. “Please refrain, Kokichi–”

Kokichi blurted, “Hey, with a translucent head, we can finally confirm there’s nothing in there! That’s great, Kee-boy. You’re one ball closer to human. Now you just need a second–!” Kaito punched Kokichi’s stomach. “Ugh! Nee-hee… Ahahaha!”

Shuichi shook his head. “I guess Kaito and I aren’t the only ones with girl problems.”

Brow raised, Kaito crossed his arms. “Yeah and speaking of, forget Kaede and Miu. You’re supposed to be helping _me_ out.”

“Unfortunately, Shuichi, that is the case.” Keebo shook his head. “Every other day she approaches me with ideas that are less and less… practical. How do I get her to stop? To… give me some personal space?”

Kokichi raised his hand. “Ooh, ooh, I know! Bug spray!”

Exhaling, Kaito scratched the back of his head. “You could lock her inside her lab, but Miu would probably still make inventions for you.”

Shuichi held his chin. “Well if she thought Keebo was interested in someone else, Miu would probably step back.”

Keebo spluttered. “W-what?”

Kaito asked, “But who?”

After a moment, Kokichi snapped his fingers. “I got it! I know just the thing.”

* * *

Backpack over his shoulders, Keebo walked down a hallway. Outside the windows, cherry blossom trees bloomed. _It’s 1:27:48 pm. To get to class in time I need to pick up the pace–_

Keebo rounded the corner. Froze.

Makeup was slathered on the vending machine’s glass. Sparkly blue eyeshadow. Curly eyelashes made of mascara. Winking face with red, puckered lips. A paper taped to the machine read, “Love me, Kee-boy. Teehee~!”

Keebo did a 180 and walked away.

Kokichi stepped out from a classroom. “Hey, it was this or Hatsune Miku!”

* * *

Shaking his head, Shuichi opened the cafeteria doors. Students sat at the gray rectangular tables, chatting. Dishes clinked. The smell of takoyaki washed over the detective. Behind Shuichi, Kokichi huffed. “I can’t _believe_ Kee-boy didn’t like his vending machine girlfriend we got him. That’s just shows how heartless robots really are.”

Kaito rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “What are we gonna do for Keebo now? And I still dunno what I’m gonna say to Maki either…”

“At least you still have a chance with your girl. I blew mine.” Shuichi sighed. He scanned the cafeteria for a place to eat. Their usual table by the floor-to-ceiling windows was free. “Let’s just get some dinner. We can talk th–”

“Just what the _fuck_ are you guys tryin’ to pull?”

Shuichi stiffened. Miu marched up to them, Keebo trailing after her. Miu set her hands on her hips. “No, I know exactly what you goddam sack of sluts are up to!”

Shuichi stammered, “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Swallowing hard, Shuichi glanced beyond Miu. Just behind the inventor, Kaede sat at a table with Maki, talking and laughing about something. Shuichi’s heart pounded. _Oh please don’t look this way._

Miu stepped forward. Jabbed a finger at them. “Clear the shit outta your ears, you shits-for-brains! Keebo’s my bitch and I’m his. He’s not a part of your fuckin’ threeway love triangle!”

Shuichi’s jaw dropped.

All conversation stopped. Dishes clattered. All ultimates turned to stare.

Face flaming, Kaito spluttered, “W-wha…?”

Kokichi blinked. “Our what now?”

Jaw set, Shuichi pointed his finger, throwing a truth bullet. “That’s wrong!”

“Kh!” The bullet harmlessly bounced off of Miu. “Oh, don’t fuck with me!” Miu pulled out a request form from between her breasts. She held it out. “Why else do you think Keebs asked to change dorms, huh?! Because you cock suckin’ sluts were making too much noise at night!”

Crying out, ultimates stood up, chair clattering. “Ughs!” and “That’s disgusting!” rang out in the room. Hand to her face, Sayaka exclaimed, “How awful!”

Shuichi shrunk back. _I was wrong! Everyone thinks I’m a fraud._

Shuichi met Kaede’s eyes. Lips parted, Kaede stared. Shuichi felt like he was floating out of his body. _I wish. I wish I was a worm. That way I would have a modicum more of self-respect than I do right now._

Kokichi stepped back. And again. He turned around, bolting towards the door.

Kaito seized Kokichi’s upper arm. The astronaut hissed, “You run away and I will break every bone in your face.” Kokichi whimpered.

Hand to his chest, Keebo shouted, “M-Miu, that’s not it at all! They were only harass–”

“Like fuck it ain’t. I saw you all gettin’ hot ‘n’ heavy for each other yesterday.”

Shuichi buried his head in his hands. “Oh my god, this is because of the pretend confessions with Kaito…”

Grunting, Kokichi shook off Kaito. The leader examined his nails. “If you guys can’t understand we were just _practicing_ , you’re beyond help.”

In the background, Byakuya tsked. “That’s sick.”

Hand on the table, Kaede rose from her seat. “I’ve seen enough.” Maki stood as well, shooting the boys a dirty look.

“No, Kaede!” Hand outstretched, Shuichi stumbled forward. “Kaede, please. This was all for you. Everything I did…” Hand still outstretched, Shuichi fell to his knees. “All the love letters, taking off my shirt, practicing with the boys… it was all for you!”

Kaede crossed her arms. “What are you talking about? What letters?”

“H-huh?”

Grimacing, Kaede shrunk back. “I never knew, but you’re kinda creepy.”

Shuichi turned to stone. Tears ran down his face.

Hair flying, Kaede strode towards the back exit. Maki shook her head, then turned to follow.

“Maki, wait!” Kaito ran forward and caught Maki’s shoulder. At her venomous glare, Kaito backed up. “Listen, the guys were just helping me practice confessing to you. And that’s the truth, I swear! You’re the one for me, Maki Roll. There is no other.”

Maki gazed at Kaito. Opened her mouth. Closed it. Tossing a ponytail over a shoulder, she looked away, blushing. “L-like whoever you want, I don’t care.” She followed Kaede heading towards the door.

Kaito dropped to his knees beside Shuichi. “No, please care. Please caaaaaaaaare!”

Keebo shouted, “Please wait, Kaede! Maki! This is all a big misunderstanding. Everyone! I have definitive proof to counter all these false accusations. Behold!” Hands on his hips, Keebo projected a memory file onto the cafeteria wall. It showed Kaito leaning over Shuichi.

Kaito’s low voice rumbled through the room. “I can’t hold it in anymore. I gotta let it go. It’s full to bursting.”

People squealed. Mahiru shouted, “You men are disgusting!”

Above the clamor, Keebo shouted, “Please watch to the end.”

“Nothing would make me happier than getting to know every bit of you. Let me give you my love.”

“UGH!!!” Shielding their eyes, ultimates turned away. Some grabbed their dinner and walked out. 

The projection faded from Keebo’s eyes. “There, see!”

“W-w-what?” Miu stammered, trembling. “I figured it was bad, but not _that_ fucked up… And Keebo, you… You’re a part of that?”

“No, listen! We were assisting Kaito with his confession to Maki. And I asked to change dorms because they were harassing me about loving a vending machine! I just wanted you to give me more space!”

Miu shrank back. Tears and snot ran down her face. “S-space from me? B-but I was tryin’ to help you with my brilliant inventions and you just… WAAAAAH!” Bawling, Miu fled out the door.

Maki sneered. “You lot are disgusting.”

Kokichi picked his ear. “I liked Kaito’s technique the best.”

Maki grabbed a cafeteria knife. Lunged.

Kokichi bolted. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA _AAAAAAAHHHHH_!”

Kokichi pushed aside students. Stumbled over chairs. Maki chased him, throwing every utensil she could find at him. Kokichi’s sobs rang throughout the school.

* * *

Fists balled, Shuichi, Kaito, and Keebo approached the body lying on the ground. Kokichi’s limbs were splayed out like a squashed spider. Groaning, Kokichi lifted his head. Black eye. Split, bleeding lip.

Shuichi thrust his finger. Spat. “ _You_ wrote those letters from Kaede. _You_ started all of this.”

Keebo’s eyes flashed red. Kaito cracked his knuckles. Lifted Kokichi up by his bandana.

“N-no… No!”

Kaito reeled back a fist.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Scene: 
> 
> Heart pounding, Shuichi stood amidst a busy hallway. He stood on his tip toes, looking for blond hair. There! “Kaede!” One hand to his chest, the other reaching out to her, Shuichi got down on a knee. Voice warbling, he sang, “Your cheeks, red as roses! Your hair, yellow like w-wheat…”
> 
> Fuyuhiko raised a fist. "The _fuck_ you say to me?!"
> 
> Shuichi shrank back. "F-Fuyuhiko? No. Please don't hurt m-NOOOOOOOOO!"
> 
> There, guys. I’m not biased against Kokichi. Shuichi got pummeled to death now too XD
> 
> Next chapter: The boys and their girlfriends go on a long, chaotic road trip!


	4. If Your Friends Jumped off a Cliff...

Exhaling, Kokichi rolled a cherry around the inside of a bowl with a finger. He was sitting at the dorm kitchen table. In the living room space a few feet away, Kaito was splayed across the couch, reading manga and nodding off. Shuichi sat in an armchair, mindlessly scrolling through his phone. Keebo swept.

“H-huh?” Kaito jerked awake. Flipped a page. Eyes drifted closed.

Shuichi slowly slid down the armchair. His thumb kept scrolling.

 _Swfft_ went Keebo’s broom. _Swfft. Swfft. Swfft. Swfft. Swfft._

“RRRGH!” Kokichi flipped the table, dishes shattering. “At this rate, none of us are gonna get laid! And after all those love letters and practicing love confessions with Kaito – nothing!”

Shuichi ran a hand down his face. “I don’t think that was the point–”

Kaito scowled. “Yeah, it blows.”

“Guys, please.”

Kokichi set his hands on his hips. “Oh, don’t act like you don’t want some, Shuichi.”

“T-that’s neither here nor there!”

Keebo rested his hand atop the broomstick. “Of all of us – myself excluded – you’re the least likely to engage in such intimate behavior, Kokichi.”

“W-wow. Rude, Kee-boy! I’ll have you know that Himiko is aaaall over me during our magic practices.” Kokichi winked. “Her sleight of hand lessons are quiiite useful, if you know wh–”

“And that’s why she’ll never let you touch her,” declared Kaito, tossing his manga aside. “Because you’re a selfish, flirty asshole. If you tried being nice to her, maybe she’d be nice back. Ever thought of that?”

“But that’s boring.”

Shuichi leaned over the arm of the chair. “Well, which is better? Flirting without any benefits, or being nice and getting results?”

“Hm.” Frowning, Kokichi crossed his arms. Held his chin. “Hmm.” Furiously bit at a thumbnail. “ _Hmmmm_!”

“Look, how about this?” Kaito pulled himself up into sitting. Arm over the couch’s back, Kaito looked over at Kokichi. “In all the craziness that happened last week, we helped everyone but you with Himiko.”

Shuichi coughed. Glared. “Because _someone_ wrote fake love letters.”

Keebo narrowed his eyes. “Help? Uh, you did nothing but harass me.”

Kaito continued, “…so if you’re nice to everyone for a _whole_ 24 hours, we will help you with Himiko.”

“I don’t need help with Himiko. I need to get laid by Himiko. Or with? Is it with? See, I don’t want it done _to_ me, I wanna–”

“All right, all right! Whatever,” cried Kaito, hands raised. “But if you’re mean or rude or annoying to _anybody_ in that time period, deal’s off. Got it?”

“Hmph!” Arms crossed, Kokichi jut his nose in the air. “You’re just making this deal because you don’t think I can do it, aren’t you? So meaaaan!” Kokichi bawled. Sniffing, he wiped his eyes. “Of course I can play nice. Would I lie to you?”

“Yes,” answered Keebo.

Smiling, Kokichi framed his face with the back of his hands. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

Shuichi raised a brow. “Yesterday I saw you hosing down an ant hill.”

“Exactly! I wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Kokichi wagged a finger. “Just remember to fulfill your end of the bargain. Not doing so wouldn’t be very nice of you…!”

Sighing, Shuichi rested his chin on his hand. “I don’t remember agreeing to this.”

Keebo resumed sweeping, scoffing. “Kokichi being nice? I would love to add that to my memory banks.”

Yawning, Kaito stretched overhead. “It’s late. It’s what? 10… 10:24. I’m gonna go in my room, finish up my _Fairy Tail_ manga, and hit the hay.”

“’Night,” Shuichi said as Kaito walked past.

“Goodnight, Kaito,” said Keebo.

All three roommates looked to Kokichi, waiting. The leader smiled sweetly. “Nightie, night, Kaito! I hope you sleep super soundly and don’t, like, mistake the wind for some ghost or banshee howling–”

“GOODNIGHT EVERYONE. SEE YOU TOMORROW.”

Kaito slammed the door closed.

* * *

Humming, Kokichi set out boxes of Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes. Behind him, Shuichi’s coffee steeped. Kaito stumbled out of his bedroom, rubbing an eye. He still wore his rumpled uniform. Kokichi gestured to the spread on the table. “Look, I got everyone breakfast. Isn’t that wonder–”

Shuichi opened his bedroom, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and carrying two suitcases. “Still holding your promise, huh? Good. Because we're going to the beach.”

“H-huh?”

Shuichi placed his suitcases by the front door before heading back to his room. “Hurry. We’re already packed. And Shimoda beach is a 3-and-a-half-hour drive from Tokyo there and back.”

“Wha…? The deal you made and now… You _planned_ this?!”

Yawning, Kaito leaned against the wall by his bedroom door. He grinned. “Not really. But me and Shuichi got talking last night and came up with the idea. Without you promising to behave, you’d just, I dunno, burn the boardwalk down or something.”

“Look, just because I set Nagito’s hair on fire that _one_ time–”

Someone cleared their throat. “Need I remind you…” Keebo stepped out of his bedroom, dressed in a hat, sunglasses, and a towel wrapped around his waist.

“The _hell_ is that getup?” Kaito exclaimed.

“Need I remind you that you spent jail time after our last trip to the arcade?”

Shuichi dropped off a stereo by the door. “Will you hurry up and pack already, Kokichi?”

“ _Au contraire,_ my beloved rust bucket!” Kokichi entered his bedroom and started lying out clothes on the bed. Over his shoulder he called, “I used my one phone call to talk to Headmaster Kirigiri. Played a recording of him calling Kyoko his Pookie sugar gummy bear. Principal Jinny bailed me out in five minutes. I still got my clean record! …in Japan that is.”

From outside his room, Kokichi heard Kaito exclaim, “Oh man, it’s 7:30 already! We should leave within the hour. Hup to, everyone! We’ll eat breakfast on the way. I’ll get the girls!”

Kokichi popped his head out of his door. “We’re inviting them?”

“Hell yeah, man. I wanna see ‘em in bikinis!”

“Aren’t they still mad at us?”

“We can just make puppy dog eyes. Or say we’ll have fun and make good memories or some sappy shit like that. One of them is bound to work.”

“Nee-heehee! ‘Kay, I’ll be ready in ten!”

* * *

“Are we there yet?”

Gripping the steering wheel, Kokichi sucked in a deep breath. “ _No_ , Himiko. You’re sitting shotgun so you can see the GPS says we have another hour and a–”

From the back seat of the minivan, Keebo pointed. “Stop touching the GPS! At these speeds? You’ll make us crash!”

“We’re on a highway, Kee-boy.”

Kaito covered his mouth with a hand. “Oh man… I’m so nauseous.” Sitting beside him, Shuichi leaned away.

Kaede plugged her nose. Kicked away a burger wrapper. “What is that smell?”

Arms crossed, Maki glared out the window. “I didn’t want to come.”

“Forget about the smell. What’s this strange stain I found?” Miu asked from the back. “Shota, were you fuckin’ Himiko back here?”

“No, Miu! Not everyone’s a whore bitchlet like you.”

“Because if you two _were_ fucking, I wanna move my seat–”

“No, Miu, sit down!” Keebo shouted. “And buckle up please! At these speeds–”

“I think I’m seriously gonna barf–Ulp!”

Maki scoffed. “Throwing up from a car ride? Pathetic.”

“Quick!” cried Shuichi, searching the car floor. “Anyone see a bowl for Kaito?”

Himiko offered, “Here’s a Styrofoam cup.”

Kaede gasped. “Ooh, I found one of those take-out salad boxes.”

“Great! Give it here.”

“For the love of…” Kokichi muttered. “Hold on!”

Breaking hard, Kokichi swerved sharply to the side. Everyone cried out. Kokichi pulled the car along the highway’s shoulder, just beyond a large overpass. While still in motion, Kaito stumbled out of the car. He dashed to the bridge’s railing and vomited into the river below.

Exhaling, Kokichi exited the car. Arms crossed, Kokichi leaned against the minivan. Behind them cars and trucks zoomed past. The wind reeked of car exhaust. Trees and a housing development lay in the distance. Tucked between hills, the sea glistened on the horizon.

Shuichi poked his head out a window. “Maybe you shouldn’t have been driving 100 miles per hour one-handed.”

“Hey, for your information I always drive with both hands at 170 mph!”

“Why would you ever go that fast?!”

Kaito moaned. Shaking his head, Kokichi pushed himself off the car and headed over. Gasping, Kaito ran a hand through his hair. Sweating, he sucked breaths from his open mouth like a fish out of water. “H-hey, man… could we, like… stay here a bit? I need five…”

Kokichi rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” The leader rested his arms against the guardrail. The summer’s dead, still heat clung to them. Beneath them, the sunlight sparkled off the waters below.

Kokichi hummed. _It’s not_ that _far down. Thirty, thirty-five feet or so…_

He grinned.

* * *

“I cannot believe this…” muttered Keebo from the backseat of the minivan. The loud a/c hummed but did little more than blow hot air around. The others lounged in their seats, fanning themselves. Scowling, Keebo peeled some fuzzy Jell-O off the car floor. _Disgusting. If I don’t clean up after them, they never do. Like the dishes. Or how the trash spills over onto the floor before they take it out. And their laundry! Ugh, how it reeks! It has to smell like they killed three people before they run a load–_

Keebo detected movement in his peripheral vision. He glanced out the car window.

Kokichi stripped off his shirt and kicked off his shoes. He climbed up the overpass railing. Braced to jump.

“KOKICHI, NO!”

Keebo burst open the car door and ran to the leader’s side. “What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna jump, duh.”

Everyone else arrived on scene behind the robot. Kaede pressed a hand to her chest. “Why would you even think about jumping?”

Kokichi threw out his hands to the side. “Because it’s hot as balls out here! And baby Kaito here needs some time to barf up his kidney soooo… why not?”

Shuichi looked over the edge. “I don’t know… It looks pretty far down.”

Kokichi cupped his hands around his mouth like a megaphone. “Boooo! Wuss! Shuichi’s a chicken. Bok, bok, bagok!”

Laughing, Miu brayed like a donkey. “Going limp on me now, are ya?”

Kokichi hung his head. “In front of your girlfriend no less… how embarrassing.”

“Please don’t use me as an excuse.”

Shuichi eyed the water. Humming, he shifted on his feet.

Pumping their fists up and down, Kokichi and Miu chanted, “Grow a pair! Grow a pair! Grow a pair!”

Exhaling heavily, Shuichi flung off his Hawaiian shirt and pulled off his shoes. He dove headfirst. After a moment, Shuichi emerged from the water, shaking his head. Kokichi and Miu cheered. Grinning at Kaede, Shuichi did arm curls, showing off his biceps. Shielding her eyes, Kaede turned away.

Groaning, Keebo held his face with a hand. “Why do I call these buffoons my friends? Why?”

“Ooh, me next! I’m gonna do a sick backflip!” Kokichi climbed over the guardrail and stood preciously on the narrow outside ledge. “But first…” Grinning, Kokichi beckoned with a finger. “Himiko’s gotta give me a kiss. And I don’t mean one of those lame our-lips-touched kisses. I want a saucy one.”

Kaede cut Himiko a sharp glance. “You’re not seriously considering this, are you? After last week and what they were doing? _To each other_?”

Himiko picked her ear. “Nyeeh… if there’s something in it for me, I will.”

“Don’t you wanna see me backflip?”

Maki crossed her arms. “I would love to see you jump off a bridge.” Kokichi glared.

Himiko sighed, but a smile tugged at her lips. She stepped up to him. “Better make it a double flip.”

“Deal.” Kokichi kissed Himiko. Humming, they moved their lips against each other.

Miu scoffed, “Called it. They totally _were_ fucking in the car.”

Himiko stepped back. Inhaling, Kokichi crouched. He backflipped, and, knees to his chest, flipped once, twice, before crashing into the water. He surfaced besides Shuichi, fist in the air.

Kaito weakly clapped. “Woo.”

Keebo held a hand to his mouth. “I-incredible! I’ve never witnessed anyone dive like that before.”

“Please.” Tossing her ponytail, Maki sauntered up to the railing. “That was nothing.” In one smooth motion, Maki executed a backflip corkscrew over the railing. She slipped into the water with nary a splash.

Miu snickered. “Hey, Kaito.”

Kaito raised his head. Sweat glistened on his forehead. “Mmph…?”

“If you wanna see Maki’s shirt clinging to her bre–” Kaito threw himself over the guardrail. “Whoa, I didn’t realize you were that thirsty! Hah-haha!”

Himiko glanced over at Keebo. “You gonna try, Keebo? All the other guys are down there. Oh, wait. You’d just sink like a stone. Never mind.”

Sighing, Keebo hung his head. “That’s another thing to add to the list…”

“What’s wrong? What’s list?” asked Kaede.

“I just… I can’t burp the alphabet, have nipples to twist, or a dick to brag about.”

Exhaling, Kaede held her forehead with a hand. “I’m going to have a stern talking-to with them.”

Miu offered, “Hey, I can make all those things for ya, Kee–”

“NO.” Kaede glared.

Down below the boys laughed and shouted as they splashed each other. Maki waded a few feet away. Keebo sighed as he watched them from the railing.

Cheeks puffed out, Kaede crossed her arms. “If they were just gonna goof off, why did they invite us? Even after all those ‘love letters’ and the ‘practicing confessing’ incident last week. They still haven’t given us an explanation for any of it.”

“Duh-doy! It’s super obvious they’re doing a threeway. They ain’t getting any from you chicks, so they’re getting it from each other.”

“Even if that is true…” drawled Himiko.

Dripping wet, Kokichi jogged up to them on the bridge. He excitedly waved his arm overhead. “Himi! Himi, Himi, Himi, Himichi!”

“…they still seem to be interested in us,” finished Himiko. Walking towards him, she said, “We just have to make them choose between us girls or them.”

“Make them choose?” wondered Kaede. “Hmm…”

“Come on, Himiko! I’ve been waiting for you jump in with us.” Heaving a sigh, Kokichi shook his head. “I just knew I was gonna have to hold your hand, so I came back. Aren’t I the bestest boyfriend ever?”

Himiko’s knees knocked. “W-wait… you want me to jump? I mean, if I had MP I could levitate–”

Kokichi ran a hand through his dripping hair. His lavender eyes smoldered. “Do you trust me?”

Closing her eyes, Himiko sucked in a breath. She grabbed his hand and jumped.

“Wait, no! I didn’t mean me too – Aaaaaaahhhhhh!” Kokichi screamed, arms and legs failing. The water splashed up at record heights.

Huffing, Kaede threaded her fingers through her hair. “Let me guess, Miu. You’re gonna jump in now, too.”

Trembling, Miu hugged herself. “Wh-what? You want me to get we–”

“ _No_!” Groaning, Kaede clutched her head. “Ugh, never mind. You’re all being ridiculous. Let’s just get going already.” Her movements tense, Kaede whipped around and starting marching to the car.

_WEEE–ooo! WEEE–ooo! WEEE–ooo!_

Kaede went still. Saw lights flashing in the distance.

“Oh no.”

* * *

Gasping for breath, Kokichi broke through the water’s surface. He coughed and hacked.

Laughing, Himiko resurfaced. Kaito and Shuichi applauded Himiko’s dive. Smirking, Maki shook her head. Himiko brushed her bangs from her face. “Wow, that was amazing! But that’s no surprise. I’m a level 4 water mage after a–”

“What were you thinking?!” Kokichi yelled, red-faced. “I landed headfirst. That hurt like hell!”

“I thought you wanted to us to jump?”

“Yeah, you _then_ me! Not together!”

“But you said you were gonna hold my hand.”

“I didn’t mean literal–!”

“Guys!” Kaede’s voice echoed from above. Everyone looked up. The pianist was leaning over the edge, gripping the high guardrail. “The cops are coming!”

Shuichi gasped. “The cops?”

“Again?!” Kokichi exclaimed.

Himiko frowned. “Whaddya mean again?”

“N-never mind!”

“But why?” Kaito asked.

Shuichi smacked his forehead. “That’s right. Jumping off overpasses is illegal!”

Abandoning ship, Maki began swimming towards the shore.

“Say _what_ –?! Ulp!” Kaito puked into the water.

“Ugh!!” Everyone swam back.

“Disgusting!” Kokichi cried.

“Oh man…” Kaito wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Well, goddamn shit. What are we gonna do?”

Himiko shrugged. “Let’s just say one of you tried to kill yourselves by jumping off a bridge. Then we jumped in after.”

Kaito pointed. “Kokichi!”

“Wha–? Me?”

“Yeah dude! You see, after months of cutting yourself because from your self-hate stemming from your lies and the mask you wear every day, you decide to end it all in with one last freefall.”

“The fu–?! What are you _on_?! It’s obviously Shuichi!”

Shuichi’s jaw dropped. “Wh-what?”

Himiko said, “That’s what you object to?”

“He’s so emo. He would do it!”

Arm behind his head, Kaito nodded. “Oh yeah, you’re right. Makes sense.”

“Hey!”

“Hurry up and get up here!” called Kaede. She looked back over her shoulder. “They’re almost here already. I can _see_ them! Guys!!”

“To the car!” Kokichi cried.

Everyone swam to the riverbank. Although soaked and in various forms of undress, they dashed up the incline to the highway. Keebo, arm out the car window, waved them in. “Come on, come on! Here!” Keebo tossed the car keys to Kokichi.

Everyone jumped inside, doors banging behind them. Kokichi started the engine. Peeling rubber, they flew down the highway.

Maki turned around in her seat. “I don’t see the police, but I hear them. It’s getting fainter.”

Kokichi risked a glance back. “Everyone accounted for?”

The ultimates numbly nodded. Hearts pounding, everyone caught their breath.

Holding his chest, Kaito exhaled slowly. He leaned back in the passenger seat. “Oh man, that was too cl–OH SHIT!”

“What?” asked Kokichi.

“I left my galaxy coat back there! It’s part of my uniform; the cops can trace it back to me at Hope’s Peak!”

Silence. Outside cars blurred past.

“Get out of the car.”

“What?” frowned Kaito.

“Get out of the car.” Kokichi began breaking.

“Wh-what?” Kaito whipped his head to the window and back to Kokichi. “Why?”

“Just get out of the car!” Screeching, the car came to a near standstill.

“But–”

“ _Get out of the car_!” Kaito shrank back, hand on the car handle. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!”

“O-okay, okay!” Kaito opened the door and stepped out.

Kokichi floored the gas. Kaito fell back on his bum. Tires spelching, the car took off. Disappeared out of sight.

“W-what? You’re leav…” Kaito jumped up and ran after them, middle finger in the air. “FUCK YOU GUYS! _FUCK_ YOU!”

His screams echoed unanswered in the valley.

The police sirens came closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: They finally arrive at the beach. And just as the boys are relaxing, the girls notice something is up with them... and they're determined to put an end to their shenanigans and force them to make the ultimate choice: the girls or their bonds as bros. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this! Next chapter is a doozy and I can't wait for you guys to see it. :D


	5. Being Tied up by your Girlfriend is a Punishment, Not a Reward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. First I got sick, and then my brother was hospitalized and needed major surgery. But it's done! And this final whopper of a chapter is twice the normal length! Enjoy this final romp with the boys!

Shuichi gazed out upon the ocean. The sun’s rays set the blue water sparkling. Laughing, kids ran up and down the beach, seashells and crabs in hand. Teenagers dared each other to go down the large water slide into the ocean. Adults lay beneath umbrella, sunbathing with their sunglasses on. The wind carried the salty ting of ocean in the air. Seagulls cawed in the distance.

Smiling, Shuichi closed his eyes. _It’s so peaceful. So calming, so soothing–_

“No, I don’t care what reason you give me! The deal’s off, Kokichi!”

“It’s not my fault you’re an idiot.”

“We finally arrived at the beach. Can you two please refrain from any more fighting?”

Shuichi sighed heavily. Turned back to his bickering roommates. The four ultimates sat at a table in an open-air restaurant on the sand. Servers in tank tops and shorts passed out iced drinks to customers. Music blared from stereos mounted to the ceiling. Behind the wooden pavilion restaurant lay a motel. The girls were inside the motel’s bathrooms, changing into swimsuits.

Kaito pounded his fist. “We all jumped into the overpass together. But you left me behind to face the cops! The deal’s off!”

Kokichi burst into tears. “Waaaah! But you all promised you’d help me get laid with Himiko!”

Keebo rested his hand on a chin. “I made no such agreement.”

“Yeah _if_ you were nice to everyone for a whole 24 hours!” Kaito continued.

“I came back for you, didn’t I? That was totes nice of me. ‘Sides, you were the moron who left behind your incriminating Hope’s Peak uniform. Not fair to everyone else if we all had to go to the station because of your idiocy.”

Fists balled, Kaito grit his teeth. “We only stopped at the overpass because _your_ driving made me sick!”

Hands on the table, Kokichi leaned in. “I didn’t ask to uber your sorry asses three and a half hours to the beach!”

“All right, all right.” Shuichi, sitting between them, pushed the two apart. “Let’s just forget about the whole overpass thing, okay? We all jumped in; we’re all guilty of the crime. So it doesn’t count against Kokichi and the deal.”

“Rgh… Fine, but if you even just say _one_ lie or rude thi–”

“Behold! The Amazing, Beautiful Himikooo…!”

The girls approached their table, Himiko in the lead. She wore a one-piece school uniform swimsuit with a rubber duckie inner tube. The mage pushed up her goggles. Set her hand on a hip. “Just watch out. Staring only makes me more beautiful.”

“Wh-what the…? That’s it?” Scowling, Kokichi examined his nails. “Yeah, yeah, you look nice or whatever.” Himiko pouted.

Laughing heartedly, Kaito clapped Kokichi’s shoulder. “S’all right. At least she’s not completely flat.”

With the grace of a black panther, Maki strode up to them. She wore a two-piece with a long white half-skirt.

Kaito whistled under his breath. He flashed a thumbs up. “Looking good, Maki Roll!”

Face red, Maki looked over her shoulder. “Come on, Kaede.”

“B-but Miu switched out my swimsuit…” stammered Kaede, hiding behind Maki, hands on the caregiver’s shoulders. “It’s more revealing than I'd like…”

Shuichi sucked in a breath.

Blushing, Kaede stepped out from behind Maki. She wore a neon pink ruffle two-piece, with a generous swoop to the top. “I-I hope you think it’s okay…”

Grinning, Kaito elbowed each other under the table.

Shuichi swallowed. “I-i-it’s fine. I mean, they look good. I mean YOU look good.” Kokichi rolled his eyes. Blushing, Kaede tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

Arms crossed, Maki turned around. “Miu, you too. We don’t have all day.”

Keebo jolted. “M-Miu’s turn, huh?”

Kaito leaned over to Kokichi. “You sure we’re not gonna get in trouble?”

“Yeah,” the leader whispered back. “Before we left, I reversed-psyched her into thinking a modest bathing suit was more mysterious and sexier than, say, a translucent one.”

Shuichi choked. “Oh please, God, no.”

Keebo protested, “M-Miu wouldn’t wear – I don’t think – the possibility of that is very low!”

Kokichi shrugged. “Yeah, well, I’m not getting thrown in jail cuz of her. Wouldn’t have brought her along if she didn’t agree to behave and wear something mod–”

“S-suck on these jugs!”

The girls stepped aside to expose Miu. She wore a scuba diving wetsuit so skin-tight it hugged her every curve. Panting, Miu hugged herself and pressed her trembling knees together. “S-so? I’m a bona fide snack, right?”

The boys broke out in a cold sweat. They collectively thought, _That’s ten times worse!!!_

Poking his index fingers together, Keebo mumbled, “Why is my chest plate so warm–?”

“Y-yeah, you guys all look great!” Pulling on Keebo’s arm, Kaito rose. Eye twitching, he smiled. “Me and the boys are gonna get changed ourselves now. So, uh, see you in a bit!”

The boys hurriedly rose and dashed to the motel.

Miu asked, “Are they going to be all right?”

Himiko frowned. “Whaddya mean?”

Biting her nails, Miu hugged herself. “W-well, you know… I mean all those boys getting naked in close quarters… won’t they want to fuck each other silly–?”

Kaede crossed her arms. “That’s not gonna happen!”

“You never know…”

* * *

In a bathroom stall, Shuichi changed into an open teal shirt and navy-blue trunks with a drawstring. Just as Shuichi was folding up his old shirt, he heard Kokichi moaning.

“Oh, that’s it… A little lower. Aah, there you go… That feels soooo good–”

Eyes wide, Shuichi slammed open the bathroom stall.

Keebo was applying suntan lotion to Kokichi’s back by the sinks. Keebo shouted, “Kokichi, stop making strange noises!”

“Nee-heehee!” Shuichi shook his head. Turning to Shuichi, Kokichi said, “We’re ready, Mr. Detective.” Kokichi sported dark purple swim trunks with two thin lavender lines running down the sides. Inexplicably Keebo still wore sunglasses and a towel around his waist.

Shuichi nodded. “Yeah, I’m good to go.”

Behind the bathroom stall, Kaito shouted. “Dude, where are my swim shorts?! I can’t find them!”

Kokichi crossed his arms. “Quit your whining. We wasted half the day already. Let’s move!” He kicked down the stall door.

“N-no, wait!” cried Kaito. The door slowly creaked open to reveal Kaito. Wearing nothing but a speedo. Face burning, Kaito hung his head. “This was all I could find…”

“Nee-heehee! Suuure makes for a nice treat for Maki! You should thank me!”

“You mean, you switched… You _little_ –!”

Laughing, Kokichi ducked Kaito’s punch and fled out the bathroom.

Face warm, Shuichi swallowed and looked away. “Uh, Kaito?”

“Huh?” Kaito now stood out in the open, wearing next to nothing. “O-oh uh…” Hand behind his head, he flashed a grin. “I mean, I look good in it, right? AHAHA!”

The sound of Kaito’s laugher echoed in the empty bathroom.

Keebo united his towel. Offered it to Kaito.

Kaito sucked in a deep breath. Gritting his teeth, he accepted it. Wrapped it around his waist. Head bowed, Kaito shuffled out the door.

* * *

Holding a beachball overhead, Shuichi cried, “Hey guys!” He weaved through the maze of people sitting beach towels and chairs to approach Kaito and Kokichi. “I found a net. Wanna play volleyball?”

“Oh, not right now, bro…” The astronaut lay on a beach chair under a large umbrella, fanning himself. Sweat slid down his forehead. “I still don’t feel all that great.”

Kokichi firmly shoved a bucket into the sand. “I wanna finish my sandcastle first.”

“Oh, that’s what it is? I thought it was just a collection of hills or something.”

Kokichi glared. Pouting, he brushed off some extra sand. “It’s the exact replica of my third palace in Beijing, the one I stole from a buncha space pirates–”

“Oh, you’re breaking a watermelon, huh?”

Some distance away, Miu and Keebo were standing by some teenagers about to crack open a watermelon with a baseball bat. Miu crowed. “Ha! Personally, I’d rather bust some nuts–”

Kokichi hurled the bucket at Miu’s head. “Hey, slut bucket! Why don’t you go writher in mud like the worm you are?”

Holding her head, Miu crouched forward in pain. “B-bust some peanuts. I’m in the mood to eat some p-peanuts, not watermelons. I’m, uh, gonna go stuff my ugly face.” She fled. Keebo raised a hand towards Miu, but was too late to stop her. Kokichi shook his head.

“Kokichi!” Shuichi placed his hands on his hips. “Now that’s not very nice of you.”

“Yeah, man!” said Kaito, groaning as he sat up. “You’re already treading on thin ice with the deal as it is.”

Kokichi threw his hands out to the side. “Miu’s barely human! She doesn’t count. And none of you have the cojones to put that pig in her place. If not for me, we’d all even up in jail in 10 minutes flat!”

Kaito hummed. “Let’s ask the judges.” Shuichi bent down and the two whispered in each other’s ears. After a moment, Shuichi rose, face solemn. Kaito pronounced, “The judges have come to a consensus. That is permissible. But consider yourself on probation: one wrong word and you’ll be in the slammer, no bail.”

“Yessire.”

“Was that necessary?” Keebo called to Kokichi. Sighing, he reclaimed the bucket. To hide his robotic frame, Keebo wore a white bathing robe. He strode confidently across the beach, the robe flapping in his wake.

Kokichi asked, “Is it just me, or…?”

People stared as Keebo walked past. Parents hugged children closer.

“No, it’s creepy,” agreed Shuichi.

“Okay, just wondering.”

Keebo held out Kokichi’s pail. “Please refrain from any similar actions in the future.”

Kokichi snatched the bucket back. “Hey, Kee-boy! Wanna get buried under the sand? It totes feels good and, like, people do it all the time so it’s good for your human data or whatever.”

“Really? How kind of you to offer. Yes, I’d like to experience it!” Keebo plopped down.

“Noooo!” wailed Kokichi. “My palace!”

“Palace? Oh, you mean a sandcastle. I thought it was just lumps of san–”

“Can it, tin can!” Kokichi dumped a bucket of sand on his face. “And lie down, sheesh.” To Shuichi Kokichi said, “I’ll play volleyball after we hide the evidence of Mr. Pedo here and bury the body you murdered, Mr. Detective.” Shaking his head, Shuichi joined him.

Groaning, Kaito’s arm holding his fan dropped. He laid against the beach chair. “Kokichi, get me an iced soda.”

“I’m not your robo slave like Keebo. Get it yourself.”

“I’m not a slave!”

“Oh?” Kaito smirked. He sat up on an elbow. “You say that to someone you made throw up? Kicked them out of the car? Took their underwear?” At Kaito’s raised voice, people began to turn. Lowering his sunglasses, Kaito spoke, his voice low, “I thought you wanted to get laid?”

“Tch.” Scowling, Kokichi marched over to a concession stand.

Several minutes later, Kokichi shoved the glass into Kaito’s face. “Here. Waited in line in the hot sun for your highness.” Huffing, Kokichi plopped down and resumed burying Keebo. The robot was buried up to his shoulders.

Shuichi wiped the sweat off his forehead. “The heat radiating off of Keebo is really warm. Kokichi, you mind getting us some popsicles? That would be nice.”

Kokichi stopped mid-pouring a bucket of sand. Shuichi blinked. Eyes on Shuichi, Kokichi flung the bucket down and stomped off. He returned with three popsicles. Kokichi dropped to his knees. Began tearing off the wrapper.

“Oh, Kokichi.” Keebo spoke up. “I want coconut milk. Oh, and a straw please.”

“You can’t even drink!!”

“But I like the little parasols they give out.”

Jaw clenched, Kokichi breathed heavily. Then he stood up. Smiled. Brushed his bangs back with his middle finger. “Of course. Coming right up.”

As Kokichi walked away, the boys laughed.

* * *

Humming, Kaede watched Shuichi approach Kokichi and Kaito, a beachball overhead. She sat on a beach chair only a few beach towels away from them. Kaede set the trifold sun tanning mirror on the sand beside her. “What are the guys doing? First everything that happened last week, then nearly getting arrested, and now this? They aren’t spending any time with us at all.”

Knees to her chest, Himiko traced circles in the sand. “I wanna build a sand castle with Kichi…”

Maki walked over and crossed her arms. “Isn’t that because you lectured them the rest of the way here after the overpass, Kaede?”

“T-they needed a talking-to!” Kaede gnawed on the arm of her sunglasses. _Was inviting us girls just an afterthought?_

Shortly afterwards Kaede witnessed Kokichi throwing a bucket at Miu and her running off. Then Kaito and Shuichi whispering to each other. How they ordered Kokichi to get snacks and drinks multiple times and he didn’t complain.

Kaede slid her sunglasses back on. “Maki.” The pianist lifted her chin at the boys. “Find out what’s going on.”

The caregiver complied. When she approached, the boys looked up. They shook their heads. Shrugged. Resumed sunbathing and burying Keebo.

Maki returned. “They said nothing but I saw the fear in their eyes. They’re up to something.”

Himiko blinked. “Like what?”

“So they think they can hide stuff from us, huh?” Kaede whipped the sunglasses off and folded an arm with a flick of her wrist. The salt-tinged wind whipped through her hair. “We’re getting to the bottom of this, no matter the means. This nonsense ends now.”

* * *

Groaning, Shuichi cracked open his eyes. _When… when did I fall asleep?_ Blinking several times, Shuichi tried to shift his position. Something bound his hands. “What the…?” His hands were tied with rope behind a chair. Shuichi gasped. His eyes darted over his surroundings. Two queen beds flanking him. Dresser and a lamp. Panorama painting of the sun setting on the beach before him. A low couch to the right beneath a window.

 _A motel room? The motel behind the restaurant._ Shuichi frowned. _But why am I here? We were only going to stay the one day and then drive back. And why the rope? Who tied me up–?_

The door opened. Kaede entered, still in her bikini. Blushing, Shuichi refocused his gaze on her face. Kaede’s lavender eyes simmered. Shuichi gulped.

Kaede slowly strolled up to Shuichi. Rounded the end of a bed. Gazed down on him like a hawk sizing up its prey. “Shuichi.”

“K-Kaede?”

“Now’s your one time to confess.”

“ _Confess_? Confess what?”

Kaede closed her eyes. “I guess we’re doing this the hard way.” Throwing out a hip, Kaede crossed her arms. “We know you boys are hiding something. Scheming something. This whole beach trip was a chance to lure us off campus, wasn’t it?”

“Wh-what? No!”

“First the disaster last week, then the overpass, and then you boys acting sneaky and avoiding us. And Kokichi letting himself be bossed around? Something is _up_ ; don’t lie to me.”

Sweat broke out across Shuichi’s forehead. _If I tell her that I agreed to help Himiko and Kokichi to get laid…_

Kaede exhaled. “I see you’re not going to tell me anything. But perhaps one of the others will.”

Sore, Shuichi shifted his position. The rope chafed against his wrists. “Others?”

Kaede set her hands on her hips. “That’s right. Kaito, Kokichi, and Keebo are all tied up in other rooms, guarded by their girlfriends. The first to confess gets some… quality time with them.”

Shuichi raised a brow.

Face red, Kaede played with a strand of her hair. “If you just tell me what’s going on, I’ll… I’ll…” Flinging her fists down, Kaede blurted, “I’ll spend ten minutes in the closet with you!!”

Shuichi went still.

“But anyone who lies, well, Maki said she wanted a sparring partner to practice some new jiu-jitsu moves with.”

Exhaling slowly, Shuichi leaned back against the chair. Studied Kaede with narrowed eyes. “You mean prisoner’s dilemma.”

Kaede nodded. “Those are your options: confess or face the consequences. Choose the boys or us girls.”

Shuichi closed his eyes. _Think, Shuichi, think. Well, Kaede would never agree to do such a thing normally… and I may never get another chance! But if I tell the truth, the others will know I snitched and make my life a living hell back on campus._ Shuichi bit his lip. _What are the others going to do?_

Memories flashed through his mind.

Him and Kaito working together to beat the zombies in House of the Dead.

Kaito offering his galaxy coat when Shuichi embarrassingly stripped off his shirt in class. Saying Shuichi looked cool, like a hero.

The throbbing passion with which Kaito confessed with Shuichi pinned against the wall.

_Yes, that’s right! Kaito would never betray me! We’re best friends – No, soul bros! Me and Kaito, and Keebo and Kokichi, too! From the crazy arcade trip to helping each other out with our girl troubles to jumping off bridges together – our bonds are strong! And even Kokichi wouldn’t lie when that means the rest of us won’t help him with Himiko._

Shuichi raised his chin. Eyes flashed. “I’m sorry, Kaede. But I won’t betray my friends. There is nothing you can do or promise me that will change my mind.”

Exhaling, Kaede peered down her nose at him. “I see. Well, let’s see how long that lasts.”

The bang of the door closing rang out long after she left.

* * *

Kaito sat in a chair tied up in the neighboring motel bedroom, identical to Shuichi’s room. Arms crossed, Maki leaned against the wall. “Here’s the deal. You didn’t get the chance to actually confess to me, right? You talk, I’ll listen to you.”

Kaito gasped. _Oh man, what should I say to Maki? Your eyes are like twin supernovas. No, you are the sun my world revolves around. Ooh, that’s good!_

* * *

_Prisoner’s dilemma, as I understand it,_ thought Keebo. He pulled his arm against the restraints. He was lying flat on the bed in an “x” shape, his arms and legs tied to the four bedposts. _But why am I restrained so?_

“Now that we’re all alone…” Miu dropped a heavy suitcase with a bang on the floor. She pulled down her goggles over her eyes. Dug through her bag. “I’ll show you how goddamn useful my inventions are. Make you so euphorically happy and grateful to me, you won’t so much as ogle or even blink at the boys! Now, what the fuck was it that you said again?”

Keebo trembled. “W-what are you talking about?”

“Something about burping, having nipples to twist, and a dick to brag about?” Miu pulled out a power drill and laid it on her shoulder. The drill whirred. “Well that can be arranged.”

“N-no! No! NOOOOOOOOO!!!”

* * *

“Himichiii…” whined Kokichi. “It’s been hours.”

Thanks to the faint moonlight from the window, Kokichi could see Himiko sitting at the foot of the bed, a bowl of grapes in hand. Himiko popped one into her mouth. “Tough.”

Grimacing, Kokichi shifted his position. Maki had triple bound his arms behind his back and tossed him in a corner. Sitting on the wood floor made his back and behind ache. “Can I sit on the couch at least? My cute li’l ass hurts.”

Grunting, Himiko half-heartedly waved a hand. Kokichi plopped onto the couch. Himiko popped more grapes in her mouth. Outside fireworks crackled. Beachgoers cheered.

“Heeey, can I have one? I’m hungry. Nobody brought me dinner.”

Humming, Himiko rolled a grape around her fingertips. Tears in his eyes, Kokichi sniffed. Sighing, Himiko stood up. Held out the bowl.

“What, you expect me to eat like a dog? Feed me.”

Himiko evenly gazed at Kokichi. After a long moment, Himiko broke off a grape and held it to his lips. Kokichi chewed slowly never taking his eyes off her.

“Hey, Himi?”

“Mm.”

“You want a more comfortable seat, too? How about my lap?”

“Only if you tell us what’s going on.”

Huffing, Kokichi rolled his eyes. “Is this _still_ about what happened last week? Man, why is Kaede making such a fuss? Like, omigod. At this point it’s not a matter of trusting us, but about her insecurities. And she shouldn’t be because she’s got a decent chest unlike you.”

“Hey!”

Kokichi tilted his head to the side. “Well, if you’re not insecure, why’d ya wear a one-piece instead of two?”

Himiko raised a shoulder in a shrug. “I would have but I was going to the beach with you. I know how you boys get.”

“R-really?”

Himiko nodded.

“Oh.” Cheeks pink, Kokichi glanced away. Cleared his throat. “Well, sitting here doing nothing for hours is super boring. Guess I’ll tell you. I mean, you guys are making this a waaaay bigger deal than it is. You listening? Good. Kay, so after all that shit went down thanks to the whore bitch’s assumptions, me and the rest of the boys were trying to figure out how to make things up with you all again.”

“Uh huh.”

“So we thought about treating you to the beach! We were always meaning to go, and inviting you guys would make ya happy. Instead we’re all tied up. Talk about high-maintenance, sheesh.”

Frowning, Himiko crossed her arms. “What about Kaito and Shuichi ordering you around?”

“Oh yeah. That. Well, Kaito and Shuichi were mad at me for the whole overpass thing. So they were threatening to tell you all the ‘juicy info’ about our supposed threeway if I didn’t listen.”

Smiling, Himiko tucked a strand of hair behind an ear. “So you were worried about what I thought?”

“Nah. I wouldn’t be dating you if you were that dumb to believe that bull.”

“So you think I’m smart.”

“If that was my only criteria I’d be with Miu.”

Himiko sat in Kokichi’s lap, an arm around his shoulders, a hand on his bare chest. “Then you think I’m cute.”

Face burning, Kokichi looked away. He swallowed. “Hey, uh, Himiko? What time is it?”

“Nyeh? What, I don’t know. Maybe 10:30?”

“Nee-heehee, 24 hours have passed since the deal…” Kokichi pulled out his hands from behind his back – he had united the ropes. He grinned. “Now I don’t gotta play at being nice.” Kokichi grabbed Himiko’s face. Kissed her hard.

* * *

Shuichi, stiff and sore from being in bonds, gazed at Kaede. She lounged on the couch in her bikini, soft moonlight falling onto her curves. On her skin.

Shuichi swallowed. Shifted in the chair. _Even if we_ were _to spend ten minutes in the closet with her, it doesn’t mean that we would kiss or… or whatever. And there’s no guarantee she meant we’d get in the closet now. It could be later. Like next week._

“Shuichi.”

He flinched. Kaede was watching him. She smiled.

_Frick, she caught me staring!_

“Y-you know… if you tell me, I’ll forgive you for everything.”

Shuichi bit his lip.

Kaede hauled herself off the couch. Walked over to Shuichi. Blushing, Kaede held the back of her hand to her lips. Looked away. “Don’t you wanna be with me?”

Going rigid, Shuichi sucked in a deep breath through his nose.

Kaede leaned forward, showing off her generous cleavage. Tears pricked her eyes. “Y-you do like me, right?”

Face burning, Shuichi strained away. _No! Must resist temptation! Kaito wouldn’t betray, Kaito wouldn’t betraaaay!_

* * *

Blushing and giggling like a drunk, Kaito thought, _No, no, how about: Do you live on Mars, Maki? Because you look out of this world._ “Ahahaha… that’s great.”

* * *

Miu threw aside another outer piece of Keebo’s chassis. The whirling of her drill sent sparks flying. He couldn’t see what she was doing to his lower abdomen. Whimpering, Keebo screwed his eyes shut. If he had the function, Keebo would have been crying.

 _But, but if I tell the truth, the others will be furious with me!_ A vision flashed before his eyes.

Kokichi stood over a groveling Keebo, cracking a whip. “Scrub the floor!”

Keebo furiously rubbed a toothbrush over the bathroom floor tiles. “I am, sir!”

“USE YOUR TONGUE!”

“ _YES SIR_!”

The image of Kokichi vanished and was replaced by Kaito. He mournfully shook his head. “Should have known you’d betray us. After all, you’re just a dumb robot.” Raising a hand, Kaito walked off into the darkness. “Guess you’ll never understand human feelings.”

Keebo cried, “Wait, Kaito, nooo!”

Keebo ran forward. Grabbed Kaito’s shoulder. Kaito turned his head back. Shuichi blinked at him.

“Who are you again?”

The vision shattered.

Eyes shut, Keebo ground his teeth. “No, please…” he sniveled. “I don’t wanna be forgotten…!”

“Oh fuck this!” Huffing, Miu threw her drill aside. “I don’t got the right tools make this baby.” She shoved an arm through her bag, tools clanging together. “Well suck my tits! I _did_ bring trusty Blow Hard Tom here!” She pulled out a blowtorch and a metal face mask. Spewed out flames into the air a couple of times. “Okay, back to business.” Miu flipped down the face mask. Pointed the blowtorch at Keebo’s crotch.

“No, wait, I’ll tell youuuu!”

“Sure thing, Keebs. Just say whatever you want to your Mama here as I work my magic on you. Or you can just moan–”

“That’s not what I meant!!” Keebo strained away from her. However, the four ropes tying his arms and legs to the bed’s bedposts held him in place. “I meant about the deal Kokichi, Kaito, and Shuichi made!”

Miu raised her head. Flipped up the face mask.

Keebo blathered, “You see, after the misunderstanding and fallout from last week, Kokichi said he wanted to get laid and Kaito felt bad because we had all helped with everyone else’s romantic partner except for Kokichi and Himiko so they promised Kokichi that they would help him and Himiko to ‘get laid’ if Kokichi was nice for a whole 24 hours and I wasn’t a part of it at all so let me go!!!” If Keebo had lungs he would have wheezed for breath.

“For real?”

“ _Yes!_ ”

Miu snorted. “Snrk! Who do you take me for? I already know Himiko and Kokichi are fuckin’ each other. Why would Kokichi agree to be nice to get laid when he’s already getting some? Quit jerking my tits.”

Keebo froze. _Oh no. No, please!!_

Miu flipped down the face mask. Blazed the blowtorch. “After hanging ‘round Cockitchy I’d thought you’d come up with a better lie than that.”

“No, it’s the truth, I swear! NO!”

“Cracking this baby to full power! Hyuk-haha!”

“ ** _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_** ”

* * *

As Kokichi’s fingers threaded through her hair, Himiko kissed him back. She shifted closer to him.

The door slammed open. “See, I knew Keebs was spouting a sack of shit. Look, they’re already grinding each other.”

Frowning, Himiko and Kokichi detangled from each other. Glanced at the door. Miu stood in the doorway.

Himiko blushed to the roots of her hair. “W-w-we were only making out!”

“Oh really?” A new voice growled.

Behind Miu was Maki. Her eyes glowed red.

“Fuck!” Kokichi dumped Himiko, climbed over the back of the couch, and hurled himself out the two-story window.

In the span of a blink, Maki lunged across the room. Jumped out the window after him.

“Kokichi!” cried Himiko. She gripped the windowsill. Watched as Kokichi weaved through the crowded beach with Maki chasing him.

Himiko bit her lip. _I gotta help him! But we’re two floors up…_

Miu crossed her arms. “‘Kokichi agreed to be nice to get laid by Himiko’ my ass! Why, I bet you were two seconds from ripping off his swim trunks and…!”

Gritting her teeth, Himiko lifted up a foot onto the windowsill. _I jumped thirty feet off a bridge today, I can do this!_ Himiko jumped. Landed on her feet and then fell on her behind. After picking herself up, she stumbled forward. “Kokichi, I’m coming!”

* * *

Kokichi ran through the crowds on the beach. He pushed aside kids playing with sparklers. Fireworks resounded above him, their boom making his ears ring. The cool night wind blew sand against his bare chest.

Kokichi risked a glance back. Sweat slid down his forehead. _Shit, shit, Maki’s almost here!_ Kokichi stepped up to the boardwalk. Ice cream and hot dog vendors cried out to customers. _Lose her in a busier area–_

Maki seized Kokichi’s neck. Dragged him behind a rack of selling beach towels. Grabbing his hair, Maki cranked Kokichi’s head back. Held a knife to his throat. “If you don’t spill what you’re really after I will. Cut. It. Off.”

Tears burned in Kokichi’s eyes. He started to hyperventilate. _I was too greedy, I was too greedy, I was too greedy!!_

“Kokichi!” Himiko ran towards them. She stopped before them, panting. “Maki, you don’t have to go this far–”

“I don’t have to do anything you say. You betrayed us.”

Kokichi smirked. “Couldn’t resist my cute, sexy fac–”

Maki’s knife dug deeper. “I _WILL_ castrate.”

“Aaaha!” squealed Kokichi.

“It doesn’t have to be this way! Kokichi, just tell Maki what you told me–”

“A-actually, that wasn’t the whole truth.” Kokichi shifted in Maki’s grip. Gazed evenly at Himiko with a sad smile. The wind blew through his hair. He deepened his voice. “But if I told you, they won’t let us be together anymore, my love.”

Himiko straightened her back. “I won’t let that happen.”

“I know you’re a liar and that’s why I love you, but you’ll tell me the truth when it’s important, right? You aren’t lying to me now.”

“Yes, I won’t be mad.”

“And no matter what I do, you’ll still love me, right?”

“I guess?”

“But that’s not what you were saying when we were kiiissing.”

“YES, I WI–”

“‘Kay, so the boys offered to help me get laid with you if I was nice for 24 hours. And we only invited you to the beach because we wanted to see you in bikinis.”

Himiko’s jaw dropped. Maki hissed, “You what–?!”

Kokichi kissed her cheek. Eyes wide, Maki dropped the knife.

Kokichi ran like hell.

Silence for a full five seconds. Just the pounding of Kokichi’s feet. His ragged breathing.

Then Maki’s strangled scream split the air in two.

* * *

Shuichi dashed through the boardwalk, Kaito and Keebo close behind. Shuichi whipped his head around. _Where are the others?_ The boardwalk sprawled across half the beach, filled with vendors like a Japanese summer festival. Artists sold paintings under a large umbrella. People watched street performers balance chairs on their face. The smell of seafood lingered in the night air. A water tank stood above it all.

As he ran, Shuichi rubbed his sore wrists. _Lucky for me that Miu came into the room and Kaede left with her. And rubbing the rope against the chair’s edge actually frayed it. I met up with and freed Kaito and Keebo but where is–?_

“Aaaaaaahhhhh!” Kokichi barreled past Shuichi, knocking him over. Then the leader collided into Kaito’s solid form. Rubbing his stinging face, Kokichi stumbled forward a few steps past Kaito.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” Kaito asked, grabbing Kokichi’s arm.

But the leader slid out of Kaito’s grip and onto his knees. Keebo frowned. “Are you all right?”

Kokichi furiously rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. Spat. “Ugh, gross… Never thought I’d ever kiss Maki…”

“You _what_?!” Kaito hauled Kokichi up by his arm. Punched him square in the jaw. “Why?!”

Kokichi fumbled back a few steps before recovering. He shrugged. “Because I told the truth about our deal and why we invited them to the beach.”

“You little – you goddam shitbag! If you hadn’t squealed, I would have confessed to Maki! Maki promised she’d hear me out if I told her!”

Shuichi clutched his chest. “Wait, Kaito, you…? I _believed_ in you!!”

Scowling, Keebo set his hands on his hips and leaned forward. “Oh, isn’t that wonderful! Miu continued to modify me with a blowtorch to give me male reproductive organs even after I told her the truth!”

Shuichi gasped. “Keebo too?!” Stunned, Shuichi stared off into the distance. “I… I was the only one…”

Kokichi glanced back the way he came. “Look, I don’t have time for this, okay? Maki already threatened to castrate me and–”

Kaito socked Kokichi in the face, roaring, “I’ll save her the trouble!!!”

Shuichi uppercut Kaito’s chin, crying, “I believed in you all!”

Keebo threw Shuichi to the ground. “You guys always ignore me!!”

Growling and grunting, the boys began pummeling each other. When Maki arrived on scene she saw Kaito pinning Kokichi’s arms behind the leader’s back, Kokichi wrapping his legs around Shuichi’s waist from behind and pulling, and Shuichi with his arms around Keebo’s neck, choking him and trying to pull out the robot’s ahoge.

“The hell…?” wondered Maki.

“Get off!” Shuichi shook off Kokichi’s legs. Kaito shoved the liar forward and punched him. Kokichi fell into a young boy running past, several sparklers in his hand. They fell to the ground. The sparklers shot out, igniting the boardwalk’s wooden boards. It caught on fire. Thick smoke arose.

Eyes wide, Kaito stared. “Oh my god, you really did set the boardwalk on fire.”

“ _You_ were the one who pushed me into him!”

“It’s the gremlin apocalypse…”

“Not now, all of you!” shouted Shuichi. “Look around us!”

People screamed. Hordes of people began fleeing in different directions. Between the boardwalk made up entirely of wooden boards and the vendors selling flammable goods, the flames began growing before their eyes.

Shuichi flung out a hand. “Maki! Help me evacuate everyone!” Maki glanced around. “ _Now_ , Maki!”

“R-right.” Raising her voice, Maki directed everyone further into the city by waving. “Everyone, this way!” Shuichi stepped up besides her to help direct people.

Keebo grit his teeth. “How are we going to put out this fire?”

Kaito pointed to the water tank standing above the boardwalk. “There!”

“I can’t lift that; it’s too heavy! But I could use my hands’ tools to drill a hole into it, but we need some sort of funnel to direct the water…”

“Kee-boy, look!” Kokichi gestured to a large water slide emptying into the ocean. “Use that!”

Keebo’s eyes glowed. “Understood. Engaging Flight Protocol.” Keebo bent his knees. Fired up Miu’s rocket launcher on his back. He launched into the air, sending out blasts of air and causing the boys to stumble back. Keebo soared above the boardwalk, ripped the water slide out of its foundation, and carried it like Superman to before the water tank. Transforming his hand into power drills, Keebo drilled holes into the water tank’s side. Water gushed forth like water bursting from a dam. Doused the flames.

Kaito stepped forward a few steps. The hand holding his phone – he had called the police – hung limply at his side. “Is it… it is over?”

Keebo landed beside them. Spraying fire extinguisher from a hand, Keebo doused the last of the flames. He turned to Kaito, his eyes still glowing. “It is now.”

Shuichi ran up to them. “Is everyone all right?” Nods all around.

Kokichi made a fist pump. “We did it!”

“Damn straight we did!” Kaito slung an arm around Kokichi’s neck and another around Shuichi’s shoulders. “We worked like a team!”

“Like real bros,” smiled Shuichi, putting his arm around Keebo. “And you totally kicked ass, Keebo.”

“Ahaha… I can hardly believe it myself!”

Kaito declared, “The girls tried to tear us apart, but we showed ‘em!” Head thrown back, Kaito howled like a wolf. “Wooo! WE’RE SOUL BROS FOREVER!!!”

The boys’ laughter and cheers echoed throughout the beach.

Kaede, Himiko, and Miu caught up with Maki. Kaede asked, “What’s going on?” Maki gestured to the boys. Throwing their fists in the air and jumping in a circle, they started chanting.

“Bros before hoes! Bros before hoes! Bros before hoes!”

Himiko scratched her head. “Should we be offended?”

Miu scoffed. “Kch! I told you those boys are all horny for each other.”

Kaede put her head to a hand. “Miu, contain yourself.”

Kaito asked, “And you know what soul bros do??”

“What?”

“They go skinny dipping together!!”

“YEAH!!!”

“Let’s do it, boys!”

Maki turned away. “I’m going to the car. They can walk back to Hope’s Peak.”

Picking an ear, Himiko followed. “Sounds good to me.”

Sighing, Kaede walked after them. “Sure whatever. I don’t care anymore.”

Miu cried, “Ooh, wait! Lemme steal their boxers first. Then I’m coming.”

Oblivious, the boys continued shouting.

“Woohoo!”

“Nee-heehee!”

“Hey, don’t splash me! Oh, geez, that’s cold!”

“I can’t swim, but I found an inner tube, hopefully that’ll keep me afloat.”

“Looks good, Keebo, just swim over here and join in…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end! Thank you so much for sticking with this until the last chapter. I hope it made you laugh. Let me know your thoughts before you go! ^_^
> 
> Next up from me is a Truth or Dare comedy fic with the full DR V3 cast, so if you enjoyed this, be on the look out for that! Again, thanks so much for reading!!


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